Placing Faces

Faces of Orlando Victims

I DID NOT want to click on this link.
I DID NOT want to let the reality sink in.
I DID NOT want to start my week off with this.
I DID NOT want to think about this as I start back to work after surgery.
I DID NOT want this to affect me fully.
I DID NOT want to deal with this after such a beautiful day of Pride yesterday.
I DID NOT want to put faces to this tragedy.
I DID NOT want to cry.
But I did. I did all of these things.
And as I sit here sobbing, because many of these faces remind me of people I know and love, I admitted the big picture to myself.
i did not want to share this post.

Faces of Orlando Victims


*Knocks on wood*

Every night as I lay in bed, I go though a mental list of all the things I want/need to accomplish the next day. A credit card payment to make, laundry, repot a fern, lose fifty pounds, become the next David Sedaris, ya know, the usual. I pump myself up and repeat “I WILL BE PRODUCTIVE TOMORROW!!!” enough to fall asleep with a BRAVEHEART-battle cry enthusiasm and motivation to tackle the world! The next morning, however, after I have lingered in bed long enough to not have thirty minutes on the treadmill and time enough just for a shower and cram a handful of cookies into my mouth for ‘breakfast’, my day is already ruined. It’s usually not even nine o’clock and I’ve called it quits.

My annoyance grows as the week goes on, yet my motivation wanes until finally sputtering out on Thursday morning when I realize Friday is always a ‘free day’ and no one should ever have to make any sort of effort on the last day of the work week; the fact that I have accomplished none of the things I have set out to do Sunday is irrelevant. Fridays are Jesus’ reward for a job well done for everything we’ve done all week and a reminder to treat ourselves in the midst of the all the credit card bill-paying, laundry, plant repotting and best selling novels written that week.

Pressure to accomplish everything and have it ‘all’ is intense in our society and I admittedly am harder on myself than seems healthy; the fact that I’m better off now than my ten years-ag0 self isn’t the point. I haven’t written a whole novel yet, let alone become a world famous artist, I have no marathons under my belt and I’ve made it as far as Canada and no further. I’m as married as I’m going to get, my son is twenty one years old and not a doctor and the two dogs we have smell like dirty blanket creatures.

But, I can vegetables quite regularly, preserving lots of what we grow ourselves, I’ve lost sixty five pounds and still battling weight daily, I’m a tireless advocate for the GLBTQ community, I work at a job that I completely love and am surrounded by people that think I’m pretty swell. I might not be a Kardashian or Hilary Clinton, but the ME of right now is actually someone the ME of twenty years ago would have been pretty jealous of. And I ain’t dead yet.

*knock on wood*

50 Shades of Meh

This is about the best ME I have ever been in my entire 42 years. So what is the fucking problem? I have an actual bigpeople job with amazing benefits and vacation, all of my bills are covered, I have mad money left over for rampant spending, a bunch of new tattoos and lost 65 pounds. I am in an even-keeled, loving relationship and finally got that hysterectomy I had been hankering since I started menstruating 25  years ago.. I KNOW that I am happy, but, I’m just not feeling that way right now.

I suppose this comes from decades of tremendous mood swings, just one extreme to the other, years of continuous bouts of mindnumbing depression and bouncing to an ABSENCE of emotions; feeling sort of in the dark about everything. This state of just constant fucking shitty sadness meant that I’d be bouncing off the walls anticipating anything good or exciting that was coming up.

But now? I seriously have just about everything I want and I barely can crack a smile. I truly have everything that I had been working on for the last decade and more and I’m just sitting here in a state of shock. I am in disbelief that things are working out/have worked out for me. It’s just not usual and definitely not what I am used to. My life had been about constant suffering and waiting for the other shoe to drop and now? I’m so ‘good’ that it would require a concerted effort to fall back into the shit of how it all used to be. It’s so not what I am used to. I am in no way upset about how my life is, but at the same time, I am not used to not being excited for Pride and I’m just kind of ‘whatever’ about going to camp this year. The most joy I get these days is from my son and he is underwhelmed at hanging out with me as he is OVERwhelmed with work.

I am not complaining, I truly am not and if this is how my life continues, I’ll have absolutely no problem with it. But I still feel like something is missing; a key part to me is just not here.

I worry mostly that maybe this happiness is just the quiet wind down to my ‘happily ever after’ which really isnt the worst thing to happen, I just wasnt expecting it so soon. There are surely worse things than to be like Charlie Bucket at the end where he ‘suddenly gets everything he ever wished for’ and gets to live at his very own chocolate factory, but again, I just wasnt really ready. This isnt to say ‘my best years are behind me’ or that ‘it’s all downhill from here’ because I truly dont feel that way. And for what it’s worth,  roughing it up a fucking mountain for the past four decades, I really cant and wont complain to be where I am right now. I think I’m mostly in shock that things arent in total chaos and it actually has taken awhile for me to even notice that it’s been months since I’ve cried. And it’s been years since one of my world famous tantrums. But at the same time, I cant remember my last giggle fit that erupted into painful belly laughter either. My mother once told me that for every HIGH there is an equal LOW and this definitely has always been the case for my moods, so I suppose the trade off for every day of constant ‘good’ is that I wont have to suffer through the extreme LOWS to get those dizzying HIGHS.

It is not my intention to seem ungrateful for having a ‘happy’ life, because I’m gonna be honest, I fucking deserve all of the good things that I have. I’m just not used to it. I suppose that’s not a bad thing though, since I’m always going to remember the shit I’ve been through which will keep me humble, hopefully for the rest of my days.




i wait for him to finish his shower, steam escaping into our bedroom like tropical mist, reminding me how cold it is. i am calm and breathing deeply. i feel self conscious in my jammie pants and sweat shirt, maybe i should change into lingerie. the water stops and large droplets fall from the faucet, announcing the end of his shower. several steps and he is there. using the towel to ruffle dry his short chop of hair, he dresses, even though i plan to undress him several minutes later.

throwing the heavy comforter aside, he cozies in beside me. kiss of lips, kisses on neck, sucking of breath, escaped sighs, touches of tongue; the dance has begun. clothes disappear and damp flesh presses to flesh. from foreplay to hard and fast. loving long, greedy and hard. i cry out and melt. he collapses. we linger.


it’s amazing how quickly life can change in a week.  i felt like i was on a good path, finally getting my shit together, enjoying the glimmer of a light at the end of the ol’ proverbial tunnel- and then this week?  good hell.  i feel like crying and throwing expensive things around the house.

my son’s girlfriend of 4 years broke up with him on sunday- out of nowhere- and he is devastated.  i’m heartbroken for him, because she was his entire world.  something is rotten in denmark- i don’t believe she acted on her own i’m sure her parents kind of forced this.

i also got news that someone i knew just had a heart attack and died out of nowhere, leaving his partner and everyone else in total shock.  i just talked to him days before about wedding plans…. it’s so crazy.

there are a bunch of other messy little details in my life that seem to be unraveling when only days ago i was making a lot of forward progress…

the only constant is my partner.  even at our eye-rolling-est snippiest prickly times he makes me smile.  i look to putting a hand on his back as i am falling asleep.  even though he works until 2 am, i can always text him; my lifeline to him.

i was feeling so insecure this weekend and almost effortlessly, he fixed my brain hurt.  this is a new occurrence.  he kissed away my self doubt and i love him all the more for it.  our ten year anniversary is coming up next month and it’s amazing how much our relationship has evolved.  i love him every second of every day and am thankful to have him as an anchor.

Conversation With Myself

it’s been awhile since i did a mental check up/life evaluation and i said i would make sure to take time to keep myself focused on myself during this whole transition thing- it’s overdue.

i’ve been so busy writing advocate pieces and throwing articles to different sites that i just haven’t even had a chance to braindump in a very long time.   i made and donated a few mosaic pieces to an art show at the GLCC- and succumbed to peer pressure to start an Etsy site.  now i need to do a logo and Pinterest that- and all of that social media hullaballoo for that.  my laptop had a wicked rotten virus, but, i actually fixed things myself- that NEVER happens!  i’m pretty excited about it!  we did a whole bunch of new (to us) things with the different GLBTQ groups, including a FASHION SWAP, trans partner support group and a lecture on HATE CRIMES.   i set up a Gofundme account for bf’s top surgery and have been working on a bunch of fundraisers for that.  Sonnyboy got a job- thank god- so that stress is FINALLY off my shoulders and i FINALLY feel like i can relax a tiny bit.  i’ve been filling out a lot of apps and going on stupid interviews with places that i don’t belong… it’s been horrible.  but through it all, i keep looking towards better days- credit cards gone, car paid off, vacation, breathing room……. *sigh*

i certainly haven’t gone to the gym enough and working out at home is usually ignored- but i’m working on that…. it just always seems the easiest thing to fall by the wayside, when meanwhile it should be the most important…  in fact i think i’m going to go crawl onto the couch and fall asleep.

Fighting Within the GLBTQ Community is “Gay”

gay hate 2Last time i checked, the GLBT community wasn’t REALLY passing out toasters. Last time i checked, we weren’t required to have membership cards for our sexual preferences or any awards for JUST HOW GAY/BI/STRAIGHT/TRANS someone is. And if there is a newsletter or Facebook page displaying what is currently politically correct, please, sign me up, because frankly, all of this shit is confusing.

if one more person tries to tell me how i SHOULD be- I’m gonna flip my shit.
if one more person tries to tell me that i’m not THIS enough or THAT enough- I’m gonna flip my shit.
if one more person states how it IS- when it concerns MY LIFE- I’m gonna flip my shit.
if one more person changes the terminology of things on me- I’m gonna flip my shit.

THEN we have to worry about the P.C. and the gender police. and people telling me what is ok to say when I only just got used to saying things the way I did from the LAST time they told me what to say. Please stop, my brain has turned to Nutella.  I’m pretty sure you aren’t allowed to say ANYTHING anymore, it’s all sure to upset and offend someone.

I don’t remember getting a rule book when I came out over 15 years ago. I probably missed that class too.

Rather than sit there and TELL ME what to do and what NOT to do, maybe, JUST MAYBE, focus on living a happier life and focus on helping the community. maybe. JUST MAYBE, stop telling people what to do.

I remember when the only thing you had to be mindful of was not saying that something was “GAY” to refer to something negative. Now, the list is never-ending. The following list is just a sampling compiled from my Facebook Friends-

“i hate fags.” “she’s a big dyke.” “he’s not manly enough.” “her hair is too short, she has to be a lesbian.” “she should just come out of the closet already.” “it’s totally a guy- just look at IT’s hands.” “bisexuality doesn’t exist.” “i’m a gay man, and i still hate fags.” “i only date girly girls.” “shemales.” “he’s flaming.” “she’s only a lesbian because she never had good dick.” “i hate straight men.” “he’ll never pass as a guy.” “being bisexual just means you are confused and can’t commit.” “he has boobs.” “Cis privilege.” “what the fuck is CIS gender anyways?” “i don’t need any straight people on my side.” “Bisexuals need to pick a side, already.” “I hate the whole gay rainbow thing.” “bunch of fucking tranny queers.” “nelly fag.” “i don’t date HIV+ guys.” “the trans community needs to stop riding the coattails of the Gay Community.” “i bet HE takes it up the ass.” “gay for pay.” “the word TRANNY is an insult, DON’T say it.” “he’s just a man in a dress.” “the whole uhaul joke.” “is pansexual a REAL thing? i’ve never heard of it.” “since you are bi, you can’t be faithful or monogamous, because you’ll always want the other side.” “aren’t all transexuals just cross dressers?” “they’re straight. what do they know?”
“trans people don’t belong in the community, because it’s a gender NOT a preference.” “if you are trans, you shouldn’t be stealth. you should always be trans.” “she’s only doing it for attention.”

WHO MAKES THIS SHIT UP? you know who? we do. WE.DO. It’s bad enough to be called names and condemned by the closed minded people of the world, then we have to fight against people and organizations like the Westboro Baptist church- but now- we are FIGHTING WITH PEOPLE IN THE GLBTQ community. We need to STOP fighting with each other. Let’s take all of the wasted energy calling each other out and making useless rules to work together for a more supportive community.

gay hate