If i had the choice to be ANYONE in the world- living or dead? *thinks* I’m surprising even myself by saying that i’d choose being me- no matter what. and although my life has been one fucked up hotmess after the next, i still wouldn’t ever change being good ol’ *Miss Tee*, if for no other reason than i’m a tenacious motherfucker and i really would like to see how my epic tale ends.
however, having chosen myself, if i had ‘it’ to do all over, i would like to make the following changes-
- lose all of this weight. or at least, have the knowledge and forethought as a younger version of me to NEVER have gained this mass of mess to begin with.
- not listen to my parents as much as i did. being a kid/teen/young adult, i foolishly believed that my parents always were always most concerned with my well being. i figured that since they were adults, and were responsible for me, that they knew best, and would never do anything that wasn’t for my ‘own good’. but now, having been a parent for nineteen years and with some actual life experience, i see just how fucked up my parents were. hindsight is truly 20/20, and my therapy sessions would double if i dwelled on all of the mistakes my parents dragged me through, not to mention most of it wasn’t even ‘best intentions’-type of stuff. adults make mistakes. and parents are adults. parental word is NOT god. i know this NOW.
- make better choices. including but not limited to- not falling in love so quickly, learning to be on my own and more independent in general, and learning more LIFE SKILL-sy things like car maintenance and home repair.
- not get pressured into school right out of high school. the biggest regret of my entire life was being forced into secondary education before i was ever ready. i never had the choice to just float and make mistakes before i was thrust into the BIGPEOPLE WORLD, and over two decades later, i still feel like i am paying for that. i wish i had the chance to experience life a lot more before being thrust into adulthood at age seventeen. i learned how to live paycheck to paycheck, and how to live off of credit cards, only to have to get money from my credit cards to pay my credit card bills. i learned how to live on one meal a day, mostly on ‘discarded’ sandwiches from the cafe where i worked. i learned how to work two jobs until i was so exhausted that i skipped class- A LOT. i had absolutely no social life which caused so much unhappiness and resulted in more bad choices and i cared very little about moving forward in life. worst of all, this probably resulted in my agoraphobia, panic anxiety disorder and yes, a lot of my weight problems. to top it off, i graduated very mediocrely, which obviously didn’t help me land any topnotch art jobs, except, at an art supply store, ironically called Top Notch.
i don’t like to live in the past and try not to dwell on all of the shit, but it’s hard to not get bogged down in blame or a big ol fat shame spiral when things are less than shiny- even more than twenty years later.
however, having said all of this, i was lost in the moment as we were driving around Ocean City looking at Christmas lights the other night, and realized that i finally am living in THE PRESENT. i no longer want to sit and try to make up for mistakes in the past, and i’m certainly not going to wait around until my life is ‘perfect’ before i start living. it took forty years for me to get here, and with any luck, i’ll be around on earth at least forty more (*knocks on wood*), and i don’t want to waste any more time on the ‘what if’s’ or thinking i can’t do things UNTIL (*insert thing i’ll probably never get around to*). at the bottom of it all, i’m not unhappy with who i am, i know that i still have an amazing lifetime ahead of me, and don’t want to miss a thing.