i was going to sit and talk about the steps i am taking to get my fucked up life on track, but then i decided that was boring and no one really reads this shit anyways, so i figured i’d just list my amusing Facebook posts from last week.

  • 1/4/2014     In my dream last night, I was putting an amazing casserole in the oven—— then I woke up—-and all I can think of is how disappointed I am that I won’t get any of that casserole.
  • 1/6/2014     First chance I get-
    1. Fill car with the windshield wiper fluid that has been in the backseat since Friday.
    2. Rescue lighted snowmen from the wind that happened last night. It looks like the goddamn Snowmen Kama Sutra out there in the yard again.
  • i wish i had the technology to create a NON-COMPLAINY Facebook filter…
  • POLAR EXPRESS is a really fucking creepyass movie. Between all of the Tom hanks-ing-ness, horrible cgi kids, mean elves, horrible train folk and frightening songs- I have to assume the creepiness was intentional.
    get it gurls!
    not to mention FORTY TWO YEARS TOGETHER? how long was kim kardashian married? 72 days?????
  • 1/7/2014     and all of the grumbling continues…. YOU ALL HAVE HOUSES and apparently phones or electricity. calm down, kids. some people are ACTUALLY SUFFERING out there. jeezum crow. unless you are frozen to the ground outside- COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS instead of whining.
  • 2 steps back for womankind everywhere—- i am unable to fix some things myself—-even with the help of youtube and the innernets… take that feminism!
  • 1/8/2014     you know those 365 day challenges people have been doing- where they, i dunno, take a picture of themselves for a full year and post it on Facebook- or bake something different once a day— or eat mcdonalds or only local foods for an entire year? and then they blog about it, and the shit goes viral and everyone sits there and says “I COULD TOTALLY DO THAT!” or “WHY THE HELL DIDNT I THINK OF THAT?” and these people get posted all over the internet and get their 10 minutes of virtual fame…? well. i have my idea for my chance to go viral (bc just recently i decided ‘going viral’ is my new life’s goal)—- i have decided to— get this– NOT FUCK UP REAL BAD FOR 365 DAYS in a row—- i’m on day, what? 8? i only have 357 more days to go….. i got this. it’s that or i’m going to do the NOT BEAT THE HELL OUT OF MY TRASHY NEIGHBORS for a year challenge. either or.
  • 1/9/2014     Nothing like your client walking in on you while you are belting out LOVE WILL KEEP US TOGETHER only to have them turn around and walk back out… … I can hear her snickering in the other room.
    She’s surely face booking that she “walked in on the cleaning lady singing the worst captain and tenille evar”….
  • 1/10/2014     I had a horrible red mark on my wrist and had no idea why. I decided that it was stigmata until I remembered Cheddar scratching the hell out of me yesterday. I guess I’m not the second coming of Christ after all. It’s cool though. I’m, like, busy anyways.
  • The gay bar is apparently the place to be. for straight kids.
    Who knew? Must be the good natured and kind karaoke dj
  • “Is south side closed?” asks the extremely pleasant and kind and patient and calm and happy and very nice dj
  • I didn’t Macarena at prom, Im not going to Macarena here, now.
  • 1/11/2014     my goal for the day was to take the Christmas tree down— but i still don’t wanna. it makes me smile too much.
  • i always love when people get all excited about making their own laundry detergent or cleaning products based off of Pinterest or whatever, but then quickly lose interest when they realize they have to purchase 3-5 ingredients for it and containers and ACTUALLY make the effort to MAKE the stuff. It’s even funnier for people that rarely clean.
    It’s not magic or glamorous or fun no matter what the Internet says. It’s stuff for cleaning, and you gotta repeat the whole process when you run out— you know, if you actually clean with it. I’m a big supporter of green living and everything, but that’s why The Lord invented Target.
  • Sometimes you just have to share chocolate covered cherries and watch FIGHT CLUB with the person you love. Now is one of those times.
  • There was a melted chocolate covered cherry in the tray. i did the only thing i could do. i summoned up my jello shot-eating skills and ate it directly out of the tray. I’m really glad no one saw me just do that. I’m almost kind of embarrassed.

there. suck on that.


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