Parenting Fail

i’m an awful parent.  there i said it.  ok, maybe not worthy of a visit from Children’s Youth Services, but still, i’m shameful.  ok.  maybe not THAT bad, but my awesome parenting has slipped substantially within the past year.

(“maybe because your son is now nineteen?” a little voice inside my head asks.)

ok. so. there’s that.  but the fact that he’s an adult now shouldn’t affect how i parent. i always said i’d be that mom that never fed her kid canned spaghetti, and wouldn’t use nap time as a threat.  i always said i’d wrap his birthday present in NON-CHRISTMAS PAPER (as his birthday is december 30).  i always vowed to make sure his birthdays were super special- especially since mine sucked so hard throughout my adolescence and older years.

we were away for christmas and his birthday for my partner’s father’s funeral, so we had to put holidays on hold.  money was super extra tight this year so we tried to celebrate THRIFTSMAS.  today was supposed to be his birthday party.  and i had the best intentions in the world- a lot of handmade gifts, a homemade burnt almond torte (his favorite) and a multi course HOBBIT-inspired dinner.  but here i am, in my pajamas at 11 am and i haven’t done ANYTHING.  i wanted to make hobbit-y signs and have elaborate decorations.  i wanted to make meat pies and lembas bread.  but instead, it looks like it’s going to be cheese, cut up apples, broccoli cheese soup and EL FUDGE.  i suck.  i plan to make some loaves of bread and a quiche, but time is growing short and i still have yet to shower.  as far as decorations and presents?  i still haven’t taken down our amusing snowflakes, and it looks like i’ll be throwing The Fellowship of the Rings on the dvd player and calling it a day.  what a fail.  i know he’ll appreciate it just the same, but i am disappointed in myself.  it’s not even as if i had that much else going on in life.  i’ve just been in hibernation mode and feeling less like making monumental efforts like i used to.  (i once made him a Golden Snitch cake for an AMAZING Harry Potter birthday party.  and don’t even get me started about the amount of Star Wars parties i had- including the year i made a Jabba’s Palace cake COMPLETE WITH SARLAC PIT, thankyouverymuch.  #momisageektoo

but recently, i can’t get the motivation to do it, and it is sad.  sure, most kids grow up with few parties, the most epic being at Chuck E Cheese or something equally as lame, but i wanted it to be different for my son; better.  i wanted him to look back on all of the fun we had and never once doubt how much i loved him.  does he know that i love him?  of course.  he appreciates my efforts and attempts, failed though they may be sometimes, but he understands.  he’s a great kid young adult and i wish i could do so much more for him and that’s why the parties were always so important.  i’ve never been able to get him “nice” clothes or new electronic devices, or whatever all of the other kids have.  hell, i can’t even afford car insurance for him.  so, if nothing else, i always had time for cutting out decorations and making super awesome cakes.  but that hasn’t been the case for awhile now.

what breaks my heart further is that just last year, he came to me all melancholy because he was sad that he figured he was too “grown up” for all of the fun things i used to do; like spiderweb nachos and mummy dogs and make-your-own-holiday themed pizza nights.  i stopped doing those things because i thought he didn’t care about all of it; that i was just doing valentine boxes and coconut-fur Easter bunny cakes for my own shits and giggles.  turns out he appreciated that stuff more than i ever knew and really mourned their loss. to which i made up for by creating a totally spectacular halloween feast for him and his girlfriend this past year.

i figure i only can do what i can do and as long as i try, he’ll appreciate it, no matter how much i put into it.  for that, i know he’s a truly amazing kid.  thank god.  and not for nothing, but at least i know he’ll get a kick out of the EL FUDGE cookies and think it was intentional and not just a lame ass afterthought.  thank god.


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