50 Shades of Meh

This is about the best ME I have ever been in my entire 42 years. So what is the fucking problem? I have an actual bigpeople job with amazing benefits and vacation, all of my bills are covered, I have mad money left over for rampant spending, a bunch of new tattoos and lost 65 pounds. I am in an even-keeled, loving relationship and finally got that hysterectomy I had been hankering since I started menstruating 25  years ago.. I KNOW that I am happy, but, I’m just not feeling that way right now.

I suppose this comes from decades of tremendous mood swings, just one extreme to the other, years of continuous bouts of mindnumbing depression and bouncing to an ABSENCE of emotions; feeling sort of in the dark about everything. This state of just constant fucking shitty sadness meant that I’d be bouncing off the walls anticipating anything good or exciting that was coming up.

But now? I seriously have just about everything I want and I barely can crack a smile. I truly have everything that I had been working on for the last decade and more and I’m just sitting here in a state of shock. I am in disbelief that things are working out/have worked out for me. It’s just not usual and definitely not what I am used to. My life had been about constant suffering and waiting for the other shoe to drop and now? I’m so ‘good’ that it would require a concerted effort to fall back into the shit of how it all used to be. It’s so not what I am used to. I am in no way upset about how my life is, but at the same time, I am not used to not being excited for Pride and I’m just kind of ‘whatever’ about going to camp this year. The most joy I get these days is from my son and he is underwhelmed at hanging out with me as he is OVERwhelmed with work.

I am not complaining, I truly am not and if this is how my life continues, I’ll have absolutely no problem with it. But I still feel like something is missing; a key part to me is just not here.

I worry mostly that maybe this happiness is just the quiet wind down to my ‘happily ever after’ which really isnt the worst thing to happen, I just wasnt expecting it so soon. There are surely worse things than to be like Charlie Bucket at the end where he ‘suddenly gets everything he ever wished for’ and gets to live at his very own chocolate factory, but again, I just wasnt really ready. This isnt to say ‘my best years are behind me’ or that ‘it’s all downhill from here’ because I truly dont feel that way. And for what it’s worth,  roughing it up a fucking mountain for the past four decades, I really cant and wont complain to be where I am right now. I think I’m mostly in shock that things arent in total chaos and it actually has taken awhile for me to even notice that it’s been months since I’ve cried. And it’s been years since one of my world famous tantrums. But at the same time, I cant remember my last giggle fit that erupted into painful belly laughter either. My mother once told me that for every HIGH there is an equal LOW and this definitely has always been the case for my moods, so I suppose the trade off for every day of constant ‘good’ is that I wont have to suffer through the extreme LOWS to get those dizzying HIGHS.

It is not my intention to seem ungrateful for having a ‘happy’ life, because I’m gonna be honest, I fucking deserve all of the good things that I have. I’m just not used to it. I suppose that’s not a bad thing though, since I’m always going to remember the shit I’ve been through which will keep me humble, hopefully for the rest of my days.

 

 

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