if only i could stop shoveling food into my fatmouth, i’d be okay. but how do you give up food? food, glorious, food? that’s like saying- stop having fun, *MissTheresa.* stop breathing. stop hanging out with your friends. i yo yo dieted all last year. that was not pleasant. who am i kidding? i’ve yo yo’ed WHILE i was yo yo-ing my entire life away. let’s face it. food.is.delicious. food.is.yummy. it tastes good ON PURPOSE. cigarettes stink and frankly, taste nasty and make EVERYTHING ELSE taste nasty. HOWEVER, i have considered taking up smoking so that i could be successful at quitting SOMETHING.
preach, ralph, preach!
giving up alcohol would be easy squeezy, and i admittedly love me some booze. but i can definitely quit alcohol no prob, because even the most delicious of girlyshots still aren’t THAT yummy. you can pretend that you are “fancy” and love the taste of nine-thousand year old scotch, but all of the LYING and fakery in the world doesn’t fool me into believing that you just enjoyed consuming something that tastes like poisoned gasoline. pretend all you want, friend. i’ll be over here with my face stuck in a bag of cheesy poofs.
then there’s sex- i enjoy doin’ it immensely, but i feel like if i was ADDICTEDaddicted that i’d even be able to control that. i don’t gamble, do drugs or shop for more than essentials. i’m not even that into anything on tv enough to have to give it up. but food? a nice chilly sliver of tiramisu, or some golden crispy fried chicken? never! almond cookies and italian hoagies, cheese, cheese, cheese, sushi, cheese, tortellini, milkshakes, blue cheese burgers? oh, i love food.
moreover, i hate exercise, THAT i could quit. but warm and crispy with REAL BUTTER chocolate chip cookies? pork chops? steak? cheese? no way. i’ve been dieting so long that while i was diligently tracking carbs and counting points, a whole new batch of diets have cropped up to try and “assist” me in doing the one thing i just can’t do. simply, i cannot QUIT FOOD. scallops and shrimp, buffalo wings, tacos, loaded baked potatoes, curly fries? oh…. food. i can’t quit you. processed, whole, organic, local, taco truck? gimme it. ALL OF IT. poutine, naan, halushki, Soylent Green, sweet and sour shoes- i don’t care—give it here. are you going to finish that? breakfast for dinner? right on! meatloaf for breakfast? sho nuff! taco bell at 2 am? absolutely. i LURVE food.
i’ve heard all of the tips, tricks, “rules” and guidelines. i know what is healthy and what isn’t. i don’t blame genes, thyroids, gluten, carbs, depression, my job, stress or even the media. i like to eat. it’s just that simple. i’m not that worried about losing all of the fat i need to- i imagine i shall accomplish this in my lifetime- HOWEVER, short of wiring my jaws shut, or hypnosis convincing me that food isn’t awesome i probably will never be able to quit loving it. FOOD.