Fatpants, Please?

fridayi pushed through work as hard as i could today- complete with taking down a client’s christmas tree (yes, i know that it is january 31) and the whole time all i could think about was how AWESOME it was going to be to get home, get into my fattest of fat pants, make some tea and write.  if i felt like getting a little crazy, i was going to read.

i decided i was going to make a plate of nachos, put on some Pearl Jam and just ignore what the rest of the world was doing.  simple enough, right?  wrong.

  1. my fattest fat pants weren’t dry yet, so i had to change out of work clothes and into something not as comfy.
  2. i remembered my vow to give the Terror Dogs baths.  so i had to do that and itwas AWFUL.  the dogs LOATHE the hair dryer, you know, if that ever comes up as a question for Final Jeopardy.
  3. got some bad news-about, not just being broke- but being REAL REAL broke, and even broke-r.
  4. 6,000 other little shitty annoying things, and now my blood is all angried up and my brain is mush.


i’m phonin’ this one in kids, i give up.  maybe after a little mindless staring out the window, i’ll be back to good and can do some actual writin’.  until then-



i am starting to have doubts about being a writer.

the other day i blogged about ideas that i had that never got published because of my lack of confidence.  i know that nothing is original and every possible topic on every possible subject has been covered in every possible way- but it still messes with your self esteem as a writer. it makes you wonder why you write. it makes you doubt that you can ever be successful. i’ve had pep talks from friends and motivating chats with other authors, and ironically read blogs on that subject. they all said about the same thing; that there are different types of success. that you don’t need to be Stephen King or a Jk Rowland to be successful, that art is just as important, keeping your integrity and blah blah blah. none of that helped shoo away my doubts.

the idea was still knocking around my brain this morning as i was perusing Facebook and i saw one of those ecard-y type dealies with one a line from one of the memoirs i read at an open mic nite a few years ago. coincidence? possibly. probably. maybe. i dunno. but it was eye opening and even made me a little queasy.

it’s not as if i need millions of dollars, or to turn out a five book series to feel successful, i just am very afraid of producing something that looks as if it is copied or plagiarized. again, i’m not trying to reinvent the writin’ wheel, i just hate copycat-ism. i just really hate the idea of it looking like i’m jumping on the young adult or mommyporn bandwagons even if it just might be considered a ‘trend’.

i know that writers and artists have been struggling with this subject forever and i certainly won’t be the one to solve it, but it’s a thought i have ever single time i sit down to write.

in a society and world that blogging is more popular than ever and social media is as integral to most people’s day as breakfast, is one more blog necessary? how many more tweets or Twilight knockoffs before people don’t even pay attention anymore? what are your thoughts on this, kiddos?

Sweet Sixteen

happyI COULD talk about my ‘sweet sixteen’ but that would depress the hell out of me.  while other kids were learning to drive and out shopping for electric blue prom dresses, i was taking care of my family and playing grown up to a failing household.  the situation is the subject to of so many of my memoirs, writings and things that i have read at open mic nights that i just don’t even feel like i can tell it again.

so instead- here is a list of sixteen things that make me smile-

  1. eating a piece of my son’s burnt almond birthday torte and pretending that it is a petit four that i am enjoying at a wedding.
  2.  snow flurries

    beautiful peacock eyes

  3. my son’s sense of humor
  4. meatless monday yummies
  5. a good cup of coffee
  6. finishing something i’ve been writing
  7. peacock feathers
  8. tattoos
  9. the SAW movies-  i think the puzzles and traps are so inventive, created by a twisted mind and brought to life for the world to see
  10. my boyfriend, lucas
  11. plants vs zombies
  12. a clean bathroom
  13. jammies fresh out of the dryer
  14. the smell of freshly baked bread
  15. butterfly gardens
  16. getting to sleep in

so, this list isn’t literature or heavy and deep, but it made me smile. so make that number 17.


You Don’t Have To Go Home, But You Can’t Stay Here

I USED to have a reputation as a party girl. and this fatbitch here lived up to it. i was pretty proud of it in fact. you could lay out four shots of ANYTHING on the bar, and girlfriend here would drink it. again, i’m actually proud of it. i had my very own custom drink at a bar and even would get the old “NORM!”-from-cheers-type of yell when i would walk into certain places. it was a very nice ego boost and helped my morbidly obese self esteem a lot. alcoholic-ally speaking, i realize that’s not really a good thing. eh. *shrugs* i had the reputation of being the first person on the dance floor and was going strong until the house lights came on and the dj tried shooing everyone away with Closing Time by Semisonic. i was a diva and people enjoyed it. i was a plus sized goddess and i had lots of followers (none of which were chubby chasers, thank you very much). i had a reputation. but in a very very positive way. people looked to me for a fun night of dancing and partying. i was everyone’s cruise director; friday night would roll around and i’d get a dozen texts of “what’s going on for tonite?” i was fun. and everyone had fun when they were with me. there was no shame in that. i was an inspiration to fat girls. they saw me dressing the way i wanted to, i got hit on, picked up, always had people buying me drinks, i always had dates, got hookups- you name it. anything us fat girls envied the skinny girls for- i did. and people noticed. it was fantastic. i was a chubby girl hero for fucksake.

now before you go and think i was some boozy slutbag (which in actuality, i was) i was also a good mom. i truly was. not in a Jerry Springer- “I GOT SIX BABY DADDY TO MY KEEDS, BUT I’M STILL A GOOD MOM”-defense-type of way- i really was. i was a proud mom. a boozy partier- mom. go ahead and judge all you want. my former marriage was rough and admittedly i married too young. so i got my second chance. and i didn’t waste a second.   but for as much as people loved the party girl part of me- they also loved how much i cherished my son.  i had a reputation for being an awesome mother.  IN YOUR FACE, NAYSAYERS!  i did it all!  true story!

but that was back in my hayday. i’m pretty much the same person as i ever was- but not really. i’m still a good mom and i still can do four shots without thinking, but i don’t go home with different people anymore. i volunteer a lot and spend more time in my jammies than i used to, but i still enjoy life. i don’t feel as inspiring to anyone anymore, especially fat girls, but, i hope that a younger version of me is out there somewhere, dancing with strangers, having all of her drinks bought for her and living life for all it’s worth.

but beyond good mom and a very active member of the Pittsburgh GLBT community, i don’t have much of a reputation anymore and i’m okay with that. i’m involved in a lot of things and do as much as i can, whenever i can, but don’t really mind blending in with the scenery. i still manage to stand out as i will never fit all of the way in because i’m am an obnoxious loud mouth with a hearty laugh- and that’s okay with me. if that is what i am known for, i’m absolutely okay with that.


Purple is a Fruit

purple drinkok. it’s about time to finally get some things off my chest.  here goes.

  1. about five years ago, before everyone and their pets and their grandma’s pets had a blog, i wanted to start one- beyond my livejournal account that I’ve had since you needed invitations for social media sites.  i started writing for examiner.com and did this whole blog about bisexuality.  it was pretty awesome.  i started thinking of other topics i could write about; pop culture and whatnot, and decided that i wanted to do a zombie blog.  it was going to be written from a survivor’s point of view, or sometimes the zombie.  it was going to be tongue-in-cheek, and pretty humorous.  not having a heckuva lot of confidence in my crazy ideas, i asked someone what they thought- and they said to me- “i dunno.  no one cares about zombies.  vampires are in.  you should do a blog about vampires”.  meanwhile, a quick search brought up a zillion vampire blogs (thanks edward and bella!) and what confidence i had about a zombie blog was abandoned.  boy. am i kicking myself now.
  2. as i just mentioned, i wrote for examiner.com and had a purple4pretty great blogabout bisexuality.  it was great to be able to explain myself, along with my opinions about the subject while explaining it to others.  i thought it was successful, despite being a slow starter, until more than a handful of people basically shot me right outof the sky.  so no more bisexuality blog for me.  just the other day i saw a post about bisexuality on thegoddamn, motherfucking huffington post- and let me tell you- the article was terrible.  a toddler without grasp of english could have written a better article.  eat a dick, man.  eat a straight up dick.
  3. purple2way back in my live journal-ing days, i used to post my pithy anecdotes and hilarious musings in list format.  my live journal friends/followers complained that the lists made my posts too blocky and fragmented; they said that there was no flow and that listing made my posts less formal.  the other day as i sat reading how to blog like the pros and whatnot, they stated how LISTS ARE ALL THE RAGE…. seriously?  like, i know i didn’t invent listing stuff in a blog, but for bananas in pajamas-sake….
  4. lastly- and worst-ly- almost ten years ago i realized that my slutty brain could produce some very interesting reading material.  i started writing down fantasies and no holds barred hard core sex stories.  i was very proud of my smut-rotica.  and then.  i let other people read it.  let’s just say, i stopped writing dirty stories after their reviews.  the main complaint was that people wouldn’t be able to handle stories about sex- even if they were eloquently written.  the scenarios were too graphic and the descriptions were “too sexual” as someone pointed out.  “society is not able to deal with sex stories in an everyday way.  they want vanilla sex and even want THAT hidden behind bedroom doors”.  that was how it was put to me.  and so i stopped writing them.  and what pops up years later?  everyone’s favorite and instant sex classic- Fifty Shades of whatnot. it was what american women were waiting for.  and they couldn’t get enough.  and now- even disney mass produces mainstream sex stories. great. i give up.purple3

it all makes me want to crawl into a hole—.  it’s hard to be creative and original and i have always had performance anxiety that i’ll look like i’m copying or biting on someone else’s style (as the kids say).  i know that ‘nothing is new’ and i’m not naive enough to think that i’m going to reinvent the writin’ wheel or even that i’m gonna have a post go viral wi

th a cookie cutter subject that 9,999 people have already blogged about.  the problem is that i was dumb enough to let people talk me out of it writing what i wanted, the way i wanted.  i let my lack of confidence in my writing hold me back from putting my words out there in the way i wanted to.

purpletiniit’s driving me to drink. ok. so i drink anyways.  it’s MAKING me need a fancy frou frou girly purply cocktail. ok.  so another one.  whatever. don’t you judge me. i’m upset.

I’m Here, I’m Writing, Fuck the Laundry

I feel like i have been stuck in the movie GROUNDHOG DAY since we got back from Ocean City.  get up, go to work, come home and do 4, 521 tasks, crash into bed, wake up and do it all again.  how do other people accomplish stuff? do they have time machines?  do they have personal assistants and elves living with them?  i am nonstop do! do! do! until i fall dead at night, and when i wake up, it seems like someone has fucking ADDED stuff to my list.

the days that i need to go GROSSery shopping, or need to run to target to get cleaning stuff or run errands?  fughedabout it—- i will get NOTHING DONE beyond that timesuck.  i’ve been trying to go to the gym more- but who the hell has the time to waste the 2 or so hours every day?  i know it’s a matter of priorities, and i know i need to take care of myself, but my family also needs clean clothes to function, and meals, and the dogs need attention and i need to SIT and take a break from the insanity here and there. i average 4 hours of sleep a nite for godsake- and i’m ALWAYS doing something… ALWAYS.  i’m trying to write more consistently because i lost my momentum last year with precisely this trap- i’d have to clean out the basement or help someone move or i wanted to get out of the house to get coffee with friends (silly me!)-and the gross-ery shopping and laundry and and and and and—- i just never had enough time……….. so i stopped writing.  and that was sad and terrible and a mistake.  i’m making the effort to NOT fall prey to that again.  writing is so important to my life and my future and just my emotional well being that i can’t lose it again.  so i’m writing.


You know who i would like to see read my blogs?
ACTUAL HUMAN BEINGS. having actual people read my blogs would be a start. i want honest-to-gosh PEOPLE to read. people that swear and drink. people that laugh and love music. people that are interested in connecting with OTHER ACTUAL HUMAN BEINGS and not just a bunch of greedy grabber, status climbing, book promoting, reality tv-watching, self-serving assholes. i want people to ACTUALLY read this blog, and actually have some feeling towards the things i say- and aren’t just looking for hits on their own blog.

it would be unrealistic to find other people that are like me, but if i could, that would be great. it would actually be better than great- it would be AMAZING. but since anyone that actually comes near this blog is actually just one of those self-serving bloggers that are only concerned in getting their own traffic, and they’ll just “like” me and then leave, like i’m a cheap whore, i’m going to go get some ham and say GARGLEMESH! but if you are real and want real connections with other real bloggers- hit me up!

i’m eating cookies, putting away the christmas decorations and watching AMERICAN HORROR STORY. what about you?

any takers?