i was going to sit and talk about the steps i am taking to get my fucked up life on track, but then i decided that was boring and no one really reads this shit anyways, so i figured i’d just list my amusing Facebook posts from last week.

  • 1/4/2014     In my dream last night, I was putting an amazing casserole in the oven—— then I woke up—-and all I can think of is how disappointed I am that I won’t get any of that casserole.
  • 1/6/2014     First chance I get-
    1. Fill car with the windshield wiper fluid that has been in the backseat since Friday.
    2. Rescue lighted snowmen from the wind that happened last night. It looks like the goddamn Snowmen Kama Sutra out there in the yard again.
  • i wish i had the technology to create a NON-COMPLAINY Facebook filter…
  • POLAR EXPRESS is a really fucking creepyass movie. Between all of the Tom hanks-ing-ness, horrible cgi kids, mean elves, horrible train folk and frightening songs- I have to assume the creepiness was intentional.
    get it gurls!
    not to mention FORTY TWO YEARS TOGETHER? how long was kim kardashian married? 72 days?????
  • 1/7/2014     and all of the grumbling continues…. YOU ALL HAVE HOUSES and apparently phones or electricity. calm down, kids. some people are ACTUALLY SUFFERING out there. jeezum crow. unless you are frozen to the ground outside- COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS instead of whining.
  • 2 steps back for womankind everywhere—- i am unable to fix some things myself—-even with the help of youtube and the innernets… take that feminism!
  • 1/8/2014     you know those 365 day challenges people have been doing- where they, i dunno, take a picture of themselves for a full year and post it on Facebook- or bake something different once a day— or eat mcdonalds or only local foods for an entire year? and then they blog about it, and the shit goes viral and everyone sits there and says “I COULD TOTALLY DO THAT!” or “WHY THE HELL DIDNT I THINK OF THAT?” and these people get posted all over the internet and get their 10 minutes of virtual fame…? well. i have my idea for my chance to go viral (bc just recently i decided ‘going viral’ is my new life’s goal)—- i have decided to— get this– NOT FUCK UP REAL BAD FOR 365 DAYS in a row—- i’m on day, what? 8? i only have 357 more days to go….. i got this. it’s that or i’m going to do the NOT BEAT THE HELL OUT OF MY TRASHY NEIGHBORS for a year challenge. either or.
  • 1/9/2014     Nothing like your client walking in on you while you are belting out LOVE WILL KEEP US TOGETHER only to have them turn around and walk back out… … I can hear her snickering in the other room.
    She’s surely face booking that she “walked in on the cleaning lady singing the worst captain and tenille evar”….
  • 1/10/2014     I had a horrible red mark on my wrist and had no idea why. I decided that it was stigmata until I remembered Cheddar scratching the hell out of me yesterday. I guess I’m not the second coming of Christ after all. It’s cool though. I’m, like, busy anyways.
  • The gay bar is apparently the place to be. for straight kids.
    Who knew? Must be the good natured and kind karaoke dj
  • “Is south side closed?” asks the extremely pleasant and kind and patient and calm and happy and very nice dj
  • I didn’t Macarena at prom, Im not going to Macarena here, now.
  • 1/11/2014     my goal for the day was to take the Christmas tree down— but i still don’t wanna. it makes me smile too much.
  • i always love when people get all excited about making their own laundry detergent or cleaning products based off of Pinterest or whatever, but then quickly lose interest when they realize they have to purchase 3-5 ingredients for it and containers and ACTUALLY make the effort to MAKE the stuff. It’s even funnier for people that rarely clean.
    It’s not magic or glamorous or fun no matter what the Internet says. It’s stuff for cleaning, and you gotta repeat the whole process when you run out— you know, if you actually clean with it. I’m a big supporter of green living and everything, but that’s why The Lord invented Target.
  • Sometimes you just have to share chocolate covered cherries and watch FIGHT CLUB with the person you love. Now is one of those times.
  • There was a melted chocolate covered cherry in the tray. i did the only thing i could do. i summoned up my jello shot-eating skills and ate it directly out of the tray. I’m really glad no one saw me just do that. I’m almost kind of embarrassed.

there. suck on that.


The Question Jar Pt. One

As much as i enjoy fantasy, writing about what fantastical mystical being i would be and what my special powers are is a tad cheesy- even for someone as cheddar-riffic as me. HOWEVER, i am trying to get into the habit of writing even if it’s not something that’s my usual flavor. i suppose that it can only help me grow as a writer- so—– i’m some sort of wizard or something. here i go-

Walking slowly on the sandy shore in the dead of winter, i watch the foamy gray water roll back and forth towards my feet and then back to the endless ocean. jagged remains of shell fragments stir as water fills them and swirls back out to sea. my mind is as calm and empty as the beach is, now that summer is long gone. a wintry gale adds to the color in my cheeks and it encourages me to continue walking done the shore line. i walk, as all beach wanderers do, slowly, purposefully, and staring down, scanning the sand for perfect shells. my boots scrum across the thick wet sand, leaving footprints that will be erased only seconds after. looking up i see the glitz of Atlantic City in the skyline and wonder how many steps in the wet sand i would have to take to meet up with the towering buildings.

like a child, i stop and let my feet get sucked down into the thick sandy muck, becoming frozen, becoming part of the beach to stay forever, and i feel something heavy drag across the toe of my boot. i look down and see a glass jar. my heart stops a beat when i see silver shimmer glittering inside. i bend down and pick it up and work the lid off. peering back inside, there now appears to be nothing in it at all, and i resist the urge to hurtle it away into the ocean, deciding instead to carry it off to a trash can.

the second before i replace the lid, i hear a tinkling and a puff of glitter is released into the brisk morning air. crystals rapidly form in the jar and a thin line of diamonds fall onto the beach, disappearing as they touch the sand. it doesn’t take long before i realize the jar is full of magic of some kind and i quickly unstick my boots and walk away towards home. as i walk, i look at the newly forming crystals and wonder all of the wonder-able things about this jar, particularly why it had come to me.

almost instantly the answer came to me- i had been wishing for some hope only moments before allowing myself to get sucked into the wet sand. i was in despair. my life was not going as i had planned, certainly not in the way i wanted, and i was feeling lost and desperate. i was wishing to be drawn into the earth, wanting my soul to become a crashing white wave. all of my negativity was swirling around my ankles just moments before, but somehow, the toxicity was diminishing. why now? why after so long of constant sadness and life beating me down was it disappearing? another tinkling and my mind brightened as if by magic and i looked down at the jar. diamonds were still trickling out and down onto the sand. i tried to cup them in my hand, but like liquid silver, it rolled right off. was this jar the answer? was this simple glass jar enchanted? more crystals, and more glittering diamonds skittered down, melting into the sand. yes, it had to be. but why? what did it do? what does it mean? why me? the tiny crystals seemed to be bubbling, foaming, popping, as if excited to answer my questions. it finally occurred to me that this jar was giving me answers to my questions. my brain exploded with joy and a thousand more questions. i turned and hurried myself off of the beach, thrilled at the promise of my new treasure.