Linger

i wait for him to finish his shower, steam escaping into our bedroom like tropical mist, reminding me how cold it is. i am calm and breathing deeply. i feel self conscious in my jammie pants and sweat shirt, maybe i should change into lingerie. the water stops and large droplets fall from the faucet, announcing the end of his shower. several steps and he is there. using the towel to ruffle dry his short chop of hair, he dresses, even though i plan to undress him several minutes later.

throwing the heavy comforter aside, he cozies in beside me. kiss of lips, kisses on neck, sucking of breath, escaped sighs, touches of tongue; the dance has begun. clothes disappear and damp flesh presses to flesh. from foreplay to hard and fast. loving long, greedy and hard. i cry out and melt. he collapses. we linger.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/03/17/daily-prompt-linger/

Fighting Within the GLBTQ Community is “Gay”

gay hate 2Last time i checked, the GLBT community wasn’t REALLY passing out toasters. Last time i checked, we weren’t required to have membership cards for our sexual preferences or any awards for JUST HOW GAY/BI/STRAIGHT/TRANS someone is. And if there is a newsletter or Facebook page displaying what is currently politically correct, please, sign me up, because frankly, all of this shit is confusing.

if one more person tries to tell me how i SHOULD be- I’m gonna flip my shit.
if one more person tries to tell me that i’m not THIS enough or THAT enough- I’m gonna flip my shit.
if one more person states how it IS- when it concerns MY LIFE- I’m gonna flip my shit.
if one more person changes the terminology of things on me- I’m gonna flip my shit.

THEN we have to worry about the P.C. and the gender police. and people telling me what is ok to say when I only just got used to saying things the way I did from the LAST time they told me what to say. Please stop, my brain has turned to Nutella.  I’m pretty sure you aren’t allowed to say ANYTHING anymore, it’s all sure to upset and offend someone.

I don’t remember getting a rule book when I came out over 15 years ago. I probably missed that class too.

Rather than sit there and TELL ME what to do and what NOT to do, maybe, JUST MAYBE, focus on living a happier life and focus on helping the community. maybe. JUST MAYBE, stop telling people what to do.

I remember when the only thing you had to be mindful of was not saying that something was “GAY” to refer to something negative. Now, the list is never-ending. The following list is just a sampling compiled from my Facebook Friends-

“i hate fags.” “she’s a big dyke.” “he’s not manly enough.” “her hair is too short, she has to be a lesbian.” “she should just come out of the closet already.” “it’s totally a guy- just look at IT’s hands.” “bisexuality doesn’t exist.” “i’m a gay man, and i still hate fags.” “i only date girly girls.” “shemales.” “he’s flaming.” “she’s only a lesbian because she never had good dick.” “i hate straight men.” “he’ll never pass as a guy.” “being bisexual just means you are confused and can’t commit.” “he has boobs.” “Cis privilege.” “what the fuck is CIS gender anyways?” “i don’t need any straight people on my side.” “Bisexuals need to pick a side, already.” “I hate the whole gay rainbow thing.” “bunch of fucking tranny queers.” “nelly fag.” “i don’t date HIV+ guys.” “the trans community needs to stop riding the coattails of the Gay Community.” “i bet HE takes it up the ass.” “gay for pay.” “the word TRANNY is an insult, DON’T say it.” “he’s just a man in a dress.” “the whole uhaul joke.” “is pansexual a REAL thing? i’ve never heard of it.” “since you are bi, you can’t be faithful or monogamous, because you’ll always want the other side.” “aren’t all transexuals just cross dressers?” “they’re straight. what do they know?”
“trans people don’t belong in the community, because it’s a gender NOT a preference.” “if you are trans, you shouldn’t be stealth. you should always be trans.” “she’s only doing it for attention.”

WHO MAKES THIS SHIT UP? you know who? we do. WE.DO. It’s bad enough to be called names and condemned by the closed minded people of the world, then we have to fight against people and organizations like the Westboro Baptist church- but now- we are FIGHTING WITH PEOPLE IN THE GLBTQ community. We need to STOP fighting with each other. Let’s take all of the wasted energy calling each other out and making useless rules to work together for a more supportive community.

gay hate

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/03/04/daily-prompt-against-all-odds/

Taking Back “Tranny”

I am tackling the whole “TRANNY” issue, once and for all.

fag.
homo.
dyke.
queer.
cunt.
tranny.

My mother used to let us swear as far back as I can remember because she always said that words were just words, and it is true. Words ARE JUST words. People give power and meaning to words, they do nothing on their own.  Without added emotion, feelings, and images to represent it, a word is just a bunch of letters hanging out together.

If the word is meant in an insulting way then, yes, it is negative. No one wants to hear kids saying “that’s so gay” when they don’t even know what they are saying. But I’m talking about people making the blanket statement that “TRANNY” is a bad word, because, no, it isn’t.  “Tranny” is the shortened form of “transgender” and also “transvestite” which are indeed two different things.  I can assume and understand that a transgender person doesn’t want to be labeled incorrectly as a transvestite, but neither term should be considered offensive; neither should cause embarrassment, shame or anger if applied incorrectly by mistake. Now, I’m not sure when using the term “TRANNY” became shameful or insulting, but just even within the last two weeks, I have been told more than a dozen times by a handful of different people that it is.

You can make ANY word positive or negative. What you CANT DO is TELL ME that the word is wrong based on YOUR opinion, because, to me, that says that YOU have a problem with the word. And I’m not even using the argument of “only trans people can say it”  like the whole “only black people can say ‘nigger'”. Yes. The word has very nasty negativity behind it. I personally flinched every single time it was used in Django Unchained, because it was MEANT to be demeaning. It was SUPPOSED TO BE NEGATIVE. But if someone wants to reclaim the word and USE IT TO BE EMPOWERING- who are YOU to stop them? Who are you to tell someone that a word is wrong or right, positive or negative?

fag.
homo.
dyke.
queer.
cunt.
tranny.

These words have been RECLAIMED. And fucking rightly so. Many hate crimes have resulted and much blood has been lost over WORDS. These words STAND FOR THE FIGHT. They say “I WONT BE FUCKED WITH ANYMORE.” They say, “I used to be afraid. I used to hate hearing someone call me FAG, but I WONT LET ANYONE BULLY ME ANYMORE. I am a fag. and I am proud to be a fag.”

Rupaul made the word “TRANNY” a household word, and for that I am grateful. Rupaul fought her way to the top. It is NOT YOUR PLACE to tell her that she can’t be proud to use the word TRANNY. It’s NOT YOUR PLACE to take away someone’s hard fought battles. It is NOT YOUR PLACE to put people back in the closet, or back to being afraid to walk down the street wearing whatever they want. Even if you are trans, IT IS NOT YOUR PLACE to take away someone’s courage and strength. If you are offended by TRANNY, then maybe change how YOU look at the word before you EXPECT everyone else to be offended by it. Instead of being afraid of words- look to those that HAVE ACTUALLY SUFFERED to earn the RIGHT to be fags, homos, dykes, queers and yes, even TRANNYS.

gay-left-04

draghttp://www.pbs.org/wgbh/americanexperience/features/transcript/stonewall-transcript/

My Face Isn’t Red, But My Fridge is GROSS

  1. i unapologetically love The Bee Gees.
  2. i shovel the sidewalk, get the mail and scrape ice off my car in snowman pajamas.
  3. i have spent lots of time at “clothing optional” campgrounds and i am a big ol fat girl.
  4. i often eat cereal for dinner.
  5. i didn’t learn how to drive or get my license until i was 25 years old.
  6. i used to work at an “adult bookstore” and helped people buy vibrators and porn.
  7. i now clean houses for a living.
  8. i hated being pregnant. all nine months and didn’t think childbirth was beautiful or magical.
  9. i still have to look at the keys sometimes to type.
  10. i cry when i do my taxes because i hate math so much.
  11. i graduated from art school but can’t draw very well.
  12. i lie and say that i am paying attention to people when try and give me directions, when really i’m ignoring them and just go and google it.
  13. i despise shopping and would rather get my clothes from a thrift store, department stores make my skin crawl.
  14. i am openly bisexual.
  15. i don’t believe in ghosts even though my mother was an ordained Spirtualist minister, claimed to be psychic, and performed exorcisms out of our house.
  16. i tinkle when i laugh too hard on occasion. ok. i do it all of the time
  17. I LOATHE baby showers and wedding showers WITH A PASSION.
  18. i very rarely pay attention to names in books, so, a lot of times near the end, i have absolutely NO CLUE what is happening to people.  i’m like a toddler.
  19. i cuss like a truck driving-sailor.
  20. i hate my neighbors so much that i secretly wish bad things will happen to them when they park in our spots…. *giggles and hides from karma)

having said all of this, i am embarrassed by very little, however, that if you looked in my refrigerator right now, i would be horrified.

bee gees

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/02/05/daily-prompt-red/

Not So Much a Hero

Today i’m supposed to talk about a hero, eh?
well, i aint got one. nope. no way, no how. not wonder woman, not spiderman, not martha stewart or even any of the horrible disney princesses. i grew up with a mad crush on Michael Jackson and slept with a giant hard plastic King Kong bank—- does that count? i didn’t think so.

so. hero… hero… um. how about someone i admire?
because that’s an easy one. i admire my boyfriend. i admire his courage and strength. i admire his ability to ignore the assholes of the world. i admire him for having the guts to come out. my boyfriend, of nine years, came out to me this spring as male. let me back up and explain.

way back when, nearly a decade ago, i got a divorce and started what i liked to call, “guerrilla dating”.
being bisexual, i was happily dating both guys and girls, and one crazy night at a favorite club, i ran into the cutest person i can recall having met up until that point. very low-key, very casual, quite gender ambiguous and yes, quite drunk. i was hooked almost instantly. some heavy flirting and a bit of a ‘whirlwind romance’ later, we were in love and together ever since. that tale, however, is very long, and for another time.

through the nine years, i was labeled as ‘in a lesbian relationship’, and by default lumped into the ‘lesbian’ category, despite being bisexual and explaining constantly that one’s sexual identity or preference is NOT defined by their partner or relationship status. i held fast and true to my blatant bisexuality, all the while dispelling the myth that bisexuals are ‘greedy’, ‘confused’ and ‘cannot be monogamous’. i never cared about the gender of my partner. i just knew that i loved that person.

years and years after we met and fell in love, combined lives and built a home together, he bravely came out to me that he finally realized that he was a transgendered male, i.e., born with a female body, but inherently male. he risked me not accepting him, of me breaking up with him, of me not understanding or wanting to continue our life together; none of which happened, because i do accept him and want to continue our life together no matter what. and although i may not understand SPECIFICALLY what he is going through, i will support him every step of the way. so, since he came out to me and started his transition, things have been the same as ever; for me anyways. for him, unfortunately, coming out to me was just the beginning. next he had to tell our friends, which, although seemed easy, wasn’t. he still had to overcome the fear of being questioned, or not being taken seriously. everyone was supportive, however, and for them, as with me, it was all very easy-peasy. for my boyfriend, however, who hates any sort of attention, things weren’t as simple. he was having trouble fielding all of the questions and even responding to the overwhelming support, when he was still just feeling his way around this new step of his life. he had to learn to respond to his newly chosen name, and even remember to use the masculine pronoun when referring to himself. thirty-six years is a long time to just change something simple like your own name, especially when dealing with having to use your ‘birth name’ at work. there was so much stress from trying to decide how to come out at work, or even if he should, or even if he COULD and risk getting fired. it was so hard watching him struggle and be afraid of getting outed. he had to explain the situation to HR repeatedly, and unfortunately his company didn’t even know how to deal with the situation, which didn’t help ease his troubles. at every turn, there was a new scenario, a new situation to have to consider whether or not coming out as a trans-male was the best thing to do. he was under a microscope so often that i saw him crack occasionally, and those cracks lead to more stress. but he always managed to get his chin up and at least fake his way through it. he was so very brave then.

hardest of all, he had to eventually face his family and struggled with the whole situation for a long time. it is sadly a step in his journey that he will constantly have to revisit many more times to come, but at least, the initial conversations are over. i have always known my partner to be brave, but these things took the most courage of all. but even still, with what seemed the hardest part behind him, there were more steps, each more complicated, each another chance for exposure. he cannot hide, no matter how much he wants to. his whole life, he has always drawn attention, despite being quiet and withdrawn. every day he has to move forward, and every day is an introvert’s nightmare; stares and sideways glances; whispers of “is that a BOY or a GIRL?”, constant questions about whose credit card or license he has, and a never-ending stream of screwed up pronouns. waitresses usually seem to address him as ‘sir’ whereas blue collar workers call him ‘a lady’, and when people realize their mistake, it’s more exposure as they try to correct themselves, apologetically. and now, he has the added fear of the BATHROOM DILEMMA. he’s too boyish to use the ladies room, and men’s rooms aren’t usually fully equipped for his current ‘equipment’ and there’s always a fear of being called out, or openly questioned and embarrassed; not to mention the scariness of backwards people who don’t understand the world; people who can’t accept that how we are born isn’t always black and white, or male and female as the case may be.

even more, there’s always an underlying fear of what happened to Brandon Teena who was portrayed in the movie based on his true story in Boys Don’t Cry. i am admittedly nervous for my partner at times, a lot of times actually. there’s always the underlying fear of hate crimes. always. no matter how much i pretend, the fear still lingers, even if just in the cobwebbiest of corners. i want to protect him from everything- the stares, the snickers, the pronoun game, and hate crimes; mostly, i want him to be able to transition quickly, both with legality of paperwork and also physically with surgery. but the reality is, i am not always with him, i can’t always be there to be a buffer when he needs to use the bathroom at work, or when he needs to use his old driver’s license or credit card. i can’t always be there. and at these times, when i can’t be there for him, he has to put his bravest “i don’t give a fuck”- attitude forward, just to do things that we all take for granted. and he is brave. i love him for that. he may not be my ‘hero’, but i admire his courage to just be who he really is.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/01/10/daily-prompt-hero/