it’s amazing how quickly life can change in a week.  i felt like i was on a good path, finally getting my shit together, enjoying the glimmer of a light at the end of the ol’ proverbial tunnel- and then this week?  good hell.  i feel like crying and throwing expensive things around the house.

my son’s girlfriend of 4 years broke up with him on sunday- out of nowhere- and he is devastated.  i’m heartbroken for him, because she was his entire world.  something is rotten in denmark- i don’t believe she acted on her own i’m sure her parents kind of forced this.

i also got news that someone i knew just had a heart attack and died out of nowhere, leaving his partner and everyone else in total shock.  i just talked to him days before about wedding plans…. it’s so crazy.

there are a bunch of other messy little details in my life that seem to be unraveling when only days ago i was making a lot of forward progress…

the only constant is my partner.  even at our eye-rolling-est snippiest prickly times he makes me smile.  i look to putting a hand on his back as i am falling asleep.  even though he works until 2 am, i can always text him; my lifeline to him.

i was feeling so insecure this weekend and almost effortlessly, he fixed my brain hurt.  this is a new occurrence.  he kissed away my self doubt and i love him all the more for it.  our ten year anniversary is coming up next month and it’s amazing how much our relationship has evolved.  i love him every second of every day and am thankful to have him as an anchor.


Well, it IS Monday.

It’s monday and that only means one thing- trying to get my life back on track, again, cause, well, it IS monday.  time to play catch up. time to clean the house up from weekend destruction, write, errands, work on getting my son a new job, restart that diet, recommit to getting back to the gym (“for serious this time”), going into the week with a fresh and positive outlook, you know how you do, cause it IS monday.

and here it is.  almost 4pm, and i’ve done little more than some virtual farming, set up and Etsy shop finally, go with my boyfriend to get fingerprinted for his name change, and lots of dicking around.  a whole lotta nothing.

i did shower and get dressed, which, at this moment in time, seems like a miracle.  but i accomplished exactly NOTHING, and now that i’ve been sitting with a heating pad on my back, any sort of motivation  that i MIGHT have had- is floating out the door.  it looks less and less likely that i’ll be doing too much of value now.  we can only hope, BUT, i aint holding my damn breath.

gotta get out of my pajamas (i threw them BACK on the second i walked back in the door, nearly clotheslining the dogs with my bra in the process), go scrape the snow off my car, fill the car up with gas, hit the library, meet a friend for coffee and see what that does for my day.  right now- all i want to do is stare at the cobwebs on my ceiling.  guess i have to add that to my list too. great.

Hey, I Just Met You and This is Crazy- Let’s Get Matching Tattoos!

i’ve been thinking a lot about friendship lately, like everyone does.  i have friends, good ones, and i think we all have those too.  but i want more, i need  more.  i’m a flaming disaster of an extrovert, an attention whore of the highest degree.  my days start and and with friends.  friends!  friends! friends!!!!!

friendsi make friends easily, i always have, but i’m VERY particular with who i keep in my innermost circle, so find myself alone more often than not.  but, i have to say, i’d rather have THE ONE, the PERFECT friend, than 519 Facebook-style surface friends.  i need people that can handle my obnoxiousness, loud cackling and oftentimes embarrassing antics.  i swear A LOT, have EXTREMELY strong opinions and there are no off-limit topics.  i think and live completely outside of the box and instead of black and white, i see the world in rainbow and greys.  although i can mix with really any kind of person or group, i don’t really belong anywhere, and this is probably why friend-finding is always so challenging.

verucabut i don’t want just ONE friend, i want ALL of the friends RIGHT NOW.  i want a herd of fourteen bridesmaids that are “totes my bffs”, and fight over who will throw me a shower.  i want a crowd of buddies that rent limos and go bar hopping or compete in weight loss contests, or sit around planning camping trips and vacations.   is it too much to want to frolic with a bunch of people in a fountain, for godsake?  but as it stands there are no pizza parties, jet ski rentals or fun runs planned. nothing.  but really, i honestly hate most of that jazz, (especially the herd of bridesmaids) and i’m happier surrounding myself with people that openly discuss bodily functions and find different ways to shock each other.

the friends that i do have text me throughout the day and we occasionally get drunk together at each other’s homes, and i’m actually very cool with that.  but i definitely need more buddies after the last big Friend Exodus of 2013.  those were some sad times indeed.  i have had the experience that once my friends start intermingling, they tend to start sleeping together, or at least seeing each other more than me, and i’m all but forgotten.  it’s best to keep a good and overflowing pool of people, so that when a few start to migrate, i’m not stuck going to pottery class solo, or forced to eat the Super Loaded Fries for Two by myself.  cause i will!  i’ll do it!  JUST WATCH!

harry ron hermioniebut how do you find these people?  how does a person amass large groups of friends at one time?  i want to be back in kindergarten where everyone at your table was your friend.  you didn’t have much choice, this was your main social circle. you just were friends because, well, just because.  or in first grade, your friends were assigned to you alphabetically, and if you were lucky enough to not move every couple of years like my family, the kids that were assigned seats near you JUST based on last names alone, continued to be your friends for a long long LONG time.  second and third grade you were force-sorted into interacting with “Good Readers”  or “Bad With Math” which is where i spent most of my days.
heathersthe years went on, and you meshed better with kids that were in the same activities as you, or carried Star Wars lunchboxes, and this was before anyone cared that you were a GIRL with a Star Wars lunchbox.  and college you hung out with people that liked the same music or had the same art posters on their walls. the point is, it wasn’t hard to meet people- you just migrated to people that liked the same stuff.  now you have to worry about political affiliations, religious preferences, intolerance based on sexual preference, income, status, your favorite football team….  it’s definitely not easy and i have tried it all, meet, online groups, bars, local clubs- and there are just as many people out that that want the same thing- to meet other people- but what is it that bonds them together?  what do you say to take that next step to “friendship” without looking creepy?  how do you get people to actually get off their couches, out of their comfort zone and into wearing matching outfits and tattoos with you?  you wanna be my friend?

thelma and louise selfie


With Desired Effects…

this weekend was legendary.  friday’s work was hard and annoying- mice turds, scummy tubs and christmas tree removal.  fears of last weekend’s blowout still ringing through my brain.  not one to be dissolved into misery, not anymore at least, i pasted a waxy smile to my face and reminded myself how short life is, and cautiously stepped into Friday Night.

when your partner of ten years takes mood altering medication, you never know what face you will see at the end of the day.  one weekend smiles.  next weekend you are homeless.  one weekend is hot and heavy, sex, sex, sex.  the next weekend you are face down on the floor, sobbing.  with the uncertainty of days of wine and song, or nights of hyperventilating sobs, weekends can be a scary place, and have lost most of the glittery dancing, cocktail clubbing,  Thank God It’s Friday-ing times i used to live for.  so it was with supreme eggshell-walking i planned on not planning out how my weekend would go and with trepidation i watched the clock.  i crafted.  i cleaned.  i failed at crochet again.  i wrote.  i read.  i texted.  i went to the gym.  i ate.  i filled time.  i was.  i sat.  i thought.  i worried.  i chewed my nails.  i picked my cuticles.  i texted.  i snacked.  i ate mindlessly.  i worried some more.  i panicked.  i flipped out.  i cancelled plans with friends.  i texted.  i pretended.  i faked that nothing was wrong.  i stared out the window until 2 AM when i saw his car pull up.  i froze.

clumpy snowy steel toed boots walked in.  boots came off.  wooly-socked little feet.  a “hey baby, how are you?” and a kiss.  i smiled, cautiously.  the weekend had officially begun.

Parenting Fail

i’m an awful parent.  there i said it.  ok, maybe not worthy of a visit from Children’s Youth Services, but still, i’m shameful.  ok.  maybe not THAT bad, but my awesome parenting has slipped substantially within the past year.

(“maybe because your son is now nineteen?” a little voice inside my head asks.)

ok. so. there’s that.  but the fact that he’s an adult now shouldn’t affect how i parent. i always said i’d be that mom that never fed her kid canned spaghetti, and wouldn’t use nap time as a threat.  i always said i’d wrap his birthday present in NON-CHRISTMAS PAPER (as his birthday is december 30).  i always vowed to make sure his birthdays were super special- especially since mine sucked so hard throughout my adolescence and older years.

we were away for christmas and his birthday for my partner’s father’s funeral, so we had to put holidays on hold.  money was super extra tight this year so we tried to celebrate THRIFTSMAS.  today was supposed to be his birthday party.  and i had the best intentions in the world- a lot of handmade gifts, a homemade burnt almond torte (his favorite) and a multi course HOBBIT-inspired dinner.  but here i am, in my pajamas at 11 am and i haven’t done ANYTHING.  i wanted to make hobbit-y signs and have elaborate decorations.  i wanted to make meat pies and lembas bread.  but instead, it looks like it’s going to be cheese, cut up apples, broccoli cheese soup and EL FUDGE.  i suck.  i plan to make some loaves of bread and a quiche, but time is growing short and i still have yet to shower.  as far as decorations and presents?  i still haven’t taken down our amusing snowflakes, and it looks like i’ll be throwing The Fellowship of the Rings on the dvd player and calling it a day.  what a fail.  i know he’ll appreciate it just the same, but i am disappointed in myself.  it’s not even as if i had that much else going on in life.  i’ve just been in hibernation mode and feeling less like making monumental efforts like i used to.  (i once made him a Golden Snitch cake for an AMAZING Harry Potter birthday party.  and don’t even get me started about the amount of Star Wars parties i had- including the year i made a Jabba’s Palace cake COMPLETE WITH SARLAC PIT, thankyouverymuch.  #momisageektoo

but recently, i can’t get the motivation to do it, and it is sad.  sure, most kids grow up with few parties, the most epic being at Chuck E Cheese or something equally as lame, but i wanted it to be different for my son; better.  i wanted him to look back on all of the fun we had and never once doubt how much i loved him.  does he know that i love him?  of course.  he appreciates my efforts and attempts, failed though they may be sometimes, but he understands.  he’s a great kid young adult and i wish i could do so much more for him and that’s why the parties were always so important.  i’ve never been able to get him “nice” clothes or new electronic devices, or whatever all of the other kids have.  hell, i can’t even afford car insurance for him.  so, if nothing else, i always had time for cutting out decorations and making super awesome cakes.  but that hasn’t been the case for awhile now.

what breaks my heart further is that just last year, he came to me all melancholy because he was sad that he figured he was too “grown up” for all of the fun things i used to do; like spiderweb nachos and mummy dogs and make-your-own-holiday themed pizza nights.  i stopped doing those things because i thought he didn’t care about all of it; that i was just doing valentine boxes and coconut-fur Easter bunny cakes for my own shits and giggles.  turns out he appreciated that stuff more than i ever knew and really mourned their loss. to which i made up for by creating a totally spectacular halloween feast for him and his girlfriend this past year.

i figure i only can do what i can do and as long as i try, he’ll appreciate it, no matter how much i put into it.  for that, i know he’s a truly amazing kid.  thank god.  and not for nothing, but at least i know he’ll get a kick out of the EL FUDGE cookies and think it was intentional and not just a lame ass afterthought.  thank god.

Throw It Back! Throw It Back! For the Love of God Throw It Back!


popped collar and everything.
awwwww, yeah!

My Throwback Thursday picture kicks all of your pictures RIGHT IN THE ASS.
deal with it!
the saddest part of this picture was that i really thought i looked A-MAZING here— and now, i see OLD LADIES with that hairdo, and it makes me feel sad.
i doubt it.
you don’t know who you are dealin’ with here.

I’m Here, I’m Writing, Fuck the Laundry

I feel like i have been stuck in the movie GROUNDHOG DAY since we got back from Ocean City.  get up, go to work, come home and do 4, 521 tasks, crash into bed, wake up and do it all again.  how do other people accomplish stuff? do they have time machines?  do they have personal assistants and elves living with them?  i am nonstop do! do! do! until i fall dead at night, and when i wake up, it seems like someone has fucking ADDED stuff to my list.

the days that i need to go GROSSery shopping, or need to run to target to get cleaning stuff or run errands?  fughedabout it—- i will get NOTHING DONE beyond that timesuck.  i’ve been trying to go to the gym more- but who the hell has the time to waste the 2 or so hours every day?  i know it’s a matter of priorities, and i know i need to take care of myself, but my family also needs clean clothes to function, and meals, and the dogs need attention and i need to SIT and take a break from the insanity here and there. i average 4 hours of sleep a nite for godsake- and i’m ALWAYS doing something… ALWAYS.  i’m trying to write more consistently because i lost my momentum last year with precisely this trap- i’d have to clean out the basement or help someone move or i wanted to get out of the house to get coffee with friends (silly me!)-and the gross-ery shopping and laundry and and and and and—- i just never had enough time……….. so i stopped writing.  and that was sad and terrible and a mistake.  i’m making the effort to NOT fall prey to that again.  writing is so important to my life and my future and just my emotional well being that i can’t lose it again.  so i’m writing.