Hi. my name is Theresa and i’m an addict.
(in droning monotous voice) “hi theresa”.
it has been three days…. three days since-
“go ahead, theresa, you can say it.”
it has been three days since.. *deep sigh* i watched a Christmas movie.
that’s right. i’m a Christmas movie addict. i’m not proud of it. i guess it all started with Rudolph. back in the days before dvds or even vcrs, you relied on TV GUIDE to tell you what shows were on and when. a few weeks before Christmas my mother would read us the listings for all of the classic holiday favorites- Rudolph, Frosty, Charlie Brown; and we would nearly pee our jammies in anticipation. Christmas movies were so precious and special because you got ONE and only ONE CHANCE to see them a year. that’s pretty serious shit. even after most families got cable, you still only had a limited amount of time to get your fix of stop/start animation filled with freaky jittery characters cavorting and singing terrible yet catchy tunes. mmmmmm….. Heatmiser, Snowmiser, the Burgermeister… we grew up with them. we hated them for trying to hold back Christmas, but we loved them for what they stood for. they became a part of our traditions as much as overeating and our dad’s drunken capers. we fired up as much of that Rankin-Bass goodness as we could in the short time we had. we were hooked. our hearts hurt when the credits rolled and you knew it would be an entire year before we would get another holiday high. january left you empty.
the years moved on and Christmases came and went. new movies were created and added to quiet our inner Grinches. pretty soon, anyone in America with cable, a VCR and/or a DVD player could spend an entire afternoon speedballing everything from Emmet Otter’s Jugband Christmas to A Year WIthout a Santa Clause. it became a part of our culture, of who we were; we became addicts. it was nothing to mainline Frosty, Frosty’s Winter Wonderland and Frosty Returns in one bump. you could even slam Rudolph and Frosty’s Christmas in July, you know, if you were into that kind of thing.
every year was the same, i would get blazed and overdose on these beloved holiday movies and then spend an entire year in withdrawal- jonesing for more festive frivolity. from the Muppets to Kris Kringle, we needed more and more and more AND MORE doses of yuletide cheer. eventually TBS did something never done before- they decided to run Christmas Story for twenty-four hours in a row and became the ultimate enabler for holiday movie junkies like myself. many a Christmas i spent locked in my bedroom, for hours on end, fixing on the antics of Master Ralph Parker and his Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two Hundred Shot Range Model Air Rifle.
now here i am, forty years old, with a 19 year old son, and there are more holiday movies than ever, so i can blaze up hours of sweet, pure Christmas joy as soon as Thanksgiving is over.
my boyfriend said that i had a problem. he said that it’s time to put the dvds away for the year. but maybe i’m not the one with the problem, maybe HE’S the one with the problem. its just a movie, is all. so what that it’s been a month since Christmas? i’m just going to spark up National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, just one more time. who doesn’t love Aunt Bethany? she’s hilarious! so what if i had Muppets’ Christmas Carol on repeat four times in a row? it doesn’t mean anything. i’m not hurting anyone. it takes the edge off, man. i need it, i need it to relax. just one more. just one more. i’m just going slip in Santa Clause is Coming to Town-
i don’t have a problem. i can quit anytime i want. DON’T YOU DARE JUDGE ME. i chose this life, i don’t want your pity.
i need it.