Conversation With Myself

it’s been awhile since i did a mental check up/life evaluation and i said i would make sure to take time to keep myself focused on myself during this whole transition thing- it’s overdue.

i’ve been so busy writing advocate pieces and throwing articles to different sites that i just haven’t even had a chance to braindump in a very long time.   i made and donated a few mosaic pieces to an art show at the GLCC- and succumbed to peer pressure to start an Etsy site.  now i need to do a logo and Pinterest that- and all of that social media hullaballoo for that.  my laptop had a wicked rotten virus, but, i actually fixed things myself- that NEVER happens!  i’m pretty excited about it!  we did a whole bunch of new (to us) things with the different GLBTQ groups, including a FASHION SWAP, trans partner support group and a lecture on HATE CRIMES.   i set up a Gofundme account for bf’s top surgery and have been working on a bunch of fundraisers for that.  Sonnyboy got a job- thank god- so that stress is FINALLY off my shoulders and i FINALLY feel like i can relax a tiny bit.  i’ve been filling out a lot of apps and going on stupid interviews with places that i don’t belong… it’s been horrible.  but through it all, i keep looking towards better days- credit cards gone, car paid off, vacation, breathing room……. *sigh*

i certainly haven’t gone to the gym enough and working out at home is usually ignored- but i’m working on that…. it just always seems the easiest thing to fall by the wayside, when meanwhile it should be the most important…  in fact i think i’m going to go crawl onto the couch and fall asleep.


My Face Isn’t Red, But My Fridge is GROSS

  1. i unapologetically love The Bee Gees.
  2. i shovel the sidewalk, get the mail and scrape ice off my car in snowman pajamas.
  3. i have spent lots of time at “clothing optional” campgrounds and i am a big ol fat girl.
  4. i often eat cereal for dinner.
  5. i didn’t learn how to drive or get my license until i was 25 years old.
  6. i used to work at an “adult bookstore” and helped people buy vibrators and porn.
  7. i now clean houses for a living.
  8. i hated being pregnant. all nine months and didn’t think childbirth was beautiful or magical.
  9. i still have to look at the keys sometimes to type.
  10. i cry when i do my taxes because i hate math so much.
  11. i graduated from art school but can’t draw very well.
  12. i lie and say that i am paying attention to people when try and give me directions, when really i’m ignoring them and just go and google it.
  13. i despise shopping and would rather get my clothes from a thrift store, department stores make my skin crawl.
  14. i am openly bisexual.
  15. i don’t believe in ghosts even though my mother was an ordained Spirtualist minister, claimed to be psychic, and performed exorcisms out of our house.
  16. i tinkle when i laugh too hard on occasion. ok. i do it all of the time
  17. I LOATHE baby showers and wedding showers WITH A PASSION.
  18. i very rarely pay attention to names in books, so, a lot of times near the end, i have absolutely NO CLUE what is happening to people.  i’m like a toddler.
  19. i cuss like a truck driving-sailor.
  20. i hate my neighbors so much that i secretly wish bad things will happen to them when they park in our spots…. *giggles and hides from karma)

having said all of this, i am embarrassed by very little, however, that if you looked in my refrigerator right now, i would be horrified.

bee gees

With Desired Effects…

this weekend was legendary.  friday’s work was hard and annoying- mice turds, scummy tubs and christmas tree removal.  fears of last weekend’s blowout still ringing through my brain.  not one to be dissolved into misery, not anymore at least, i pasted a waxy smile to my face and reminded myself how short life is, and cautiously stepped into Friday Night.

when your partner of ten years takes mood altering medication, you never know what face you will see at the end of the day.  one weekend smiles.  next weekend you are homeless.  one weekend is hot and heavy, sex, sex, sex.  the next weekend you are face down on the floor, sobbing.  with the uncertainty of days of wine and song, or nights of hyperventilating sobs, weekends can be a scary place, and have lost most of the glittery dancing, cocktail clubbing,  Thank God It’s Friday-ing times i used to live for.  so it was with supreme eggshell-walking i planned on not planning out how my weekend would go and with trepidation i watched the clock.  i crafted.  i cleaned.  i failed at crochet again.  i wrote.  i read.  i texted.  i went to the gym.  i ate.  i filled time.  i was.  i sat.  i thought.  i worried.  i chewed my nails.  i picked my cuticles.  i texted.  i snacked.  i ate mindlessly.  i worried some more.  i panicked.  i flipped out.  i cancelled plans with friends.  i texted.  i pretended.  i faked that nothing was wrong.  i stared out the window until 2 AM when i saw his car pull up.  i froze.

clumpy snowy steel toed boots walked in.  boots came off.  wooly-socked little feet.  a “hey baby, how are you?” and a kiss.  i smiled, cautiously.  the weekend had officially begun.

A Little Help From My Friennnnnnnds…….

cross your mindHello Fellow Blog-a-teers!

not that ANYONE really actually follows my blog, but, i’m going to go ahead and pretend like a have a vast following of hardcore fans that sit around all shaky, jittery and salivating until i update my blogs…. having said that- i’ll say-i am finally getting around to doing the second part of the Liebster Award bloggy dealie. you’ll remember the first part at my extremely humorous and deeply touching and bone-baring post-

The New Phonebook Is Here! The New Phonebook Is Here!

try to contain yourselves friends…. *holds worshipping fans back like walmart shoppers on black friday*   there’s plenty of me to go around… and i’m not exaggerating.  PLENTY.OF.ME. no shoving!  and please, please.  no more flowers, fan mail and stuffed animals!  it’s embarrassing!  my boyfriend is getting jealous from all of the marriage proposals and Heart of the Ocean-sized jewels that arrive at our house, daily…. instead- why not donate that money to a charitable organization- like a neighborhood food pantry or local homeless shelter!  do it for me, willya?

(*all ONE of my actual fans applauds wildly*)  I LOVE ALL OF THE ONE OF YOU SO, SO, SO VERY VERY MUCH!!!!! *bows graciously*

so.  a recap of the rules–*cue sinister music*

1. Thank the person who nominated you and link to their blog.
i thanked the very lovely lady from Fonts and Frosting for finding me and giving my blog some love! *more virtual kisses*
2. You must answer the 10 questions given to you by the nominee before you.
i answered my questions- and had a great time doing it.  no animals were harmed during that portion of my blog.
3. You must nominate 10 of your favorite blogs with fewer than 200 followers and notify them of their nomination.
4. You must come up with 10 questions for your nominees to answer.

without further ado- i am presenting my adorable, lovely, creative, talented, eloquent and downright sexy bloggy virtual family!  *throws confetti*


  1. a delightful, insightful blog, Anawnimiss, reminds me of myself and makes me think i could be more put together if i was like this gal.  alas, i am not.  so thank god for people like her. (it gives me hope)
  2. Coffee Crumbs feels like a fun little spot to go and check out what this gal is doing from time to time.  it would be lovely to see more crumbs from her!
  3. Dysfunction Diaries is a great place to go and read about how the ‘other half’ lives…. you know, where i live.  where moms aren’t always at pilates and cutting sandwiches into hearts or talking about the lord as if he was sitting in the passenger seat of your car.
  4. most times you don’t get to see what the CRAZY in “crazy” dating experiences look like—-  you can here…. this guy has as bad of luck as me- all of the weirdest things happen to him….
  5. Sniderwriter– reading this blog helps me pretend that i am young, cool and hip.  one of these things- I AM DEFINITELY NOT… the other 2 things (cool and hip), i fake as much as possible.  i wish the author would post more often because i enjoy her quirk and bloody-style fun a lot!
  6. it is very enjoyable and exciting to get in on the ground floor of writers starting out on new write-ventures, books and stories.  i enjoy peeking in this “occasional feminist”‘s brain and seeing what she can pull out.  i look forward to following her on her journey.  everybody- meet K. A. MacKinnon!  *waves*

now- as a disclaimer of sorts–  i live an alternative lifestyle, as i am a brazen bisexual, partnered and in love with a transgendered guy; i’m not a “vanilla sex” type of gal.  having said this, the next bunch of blogs may not be for everyone—- but, if you live outside the lines like me, in the rainbowland beyond black and white (and grey)- you’ll probably enjoy these blogs too.

  1. sometimes you need a little trip to the sexydark corners of the blogosphere.  Mystics Mindfuck is a not-so-secret invitation into the mind and bedroom of a lesbian that isn’t afraid to share- and even will answer your private questions.  very nice!
  2. it’s hard to be the new kid in school, but when you are weirdly different kid, it’s a pretty miserable situation.  if you are lucky enough to ever spy someone that is weird like you, maybe at recess, or in a different grade, it gives you hope, hope that you aren’t alone, and you aren’t the “only one.”  The Transparent Couple is a wonderful little mirrored microscope into one of the situations i currently have in my life.  i have a newly transitioning partner, and we are slowly making our way through the weird, unusual, abnormal things you deal with, as well as the day to day bullshit everyone faces.  it’s nice to find a little bit of yourself somewhere else in this giant blogosphere.  i’m happy to have found them.
  3. yummyrotica is the last stop in our tour of the un-vanilla and cozy pockets of sexy deliciousness—-what kind of mother would i be if i didn’t shamelessly tried to promote my other blog, hmmmmmmm? it’s been dormant for a bit, but, i plan to bring it back to life soon.  this little lovely piece of the internet is a place for sex positive writing focusing on the GLBTQ community and their allies.  take a peek if you are so inclined. you know you wanna….. feel free to submit some juicy goodness if you dare.

the ten questions?

  1. what is your favorite song RIGHT NOW?  i’m always looking for new twists in my playlists.
  2. as a blogger, do you consider yourself an “OPEN BOOK”? or do you only show the parts of you and your life that you are willing to share?
  3. if you were a piece of chocolate in one of those giant boxes of assorted chocolates- which would it be, and why? (no need to over think this one, i’m just currently enjoying a nice assortment of chocolates…*lol*)
  4. what is your favorite go to book that you recommend to anyone that asks?
  5. what is the current temperature where you are right now?  (it’s -6 farenheit, here, so i’m curious about you guys.)
  6. what five ACTUAL things can you not live without?  (ACTUAL TANGIBLE OBJECTS)
  7. what five intangible things can you not live without?
  8. of the aforementioned ten things you listed above, which would you choose over the other— i.e., you can ONLY HAVE the tangible objects OR the intangible ones– which would you take—
  9. if you were to create an interesting cupcake flavor, what would it be?
  10. i dont capitalize the beginnings of most of my sentences and have my own unique writing and punctuation style.  do you think that is a good or bad thing?  do you think i could be a successful writer by not following mainstream writing “rules?”

thanks for playing, kiddos!  there is a badge for this award somewhere- but i’m not adept at that kind of thing yet- so feel free to look it up if you wanted to add it to your page.  or be lazy like me- no one will judge you.  at least i won’t.  at any rate- i’m happy to have you on board my crazy double-decker bus of blogging love!

*Miss Theresa Wordwhore*

My Name is Theresa and I’m an Addict…

Hi.  my name is Theresa and i’m an addict.

(in droning monotous voice) “hi theresa”.

it has been three days….  three days since-

“go ahead, theresa, you can say it.”

it has been three days since.. *deep sigh*  i watched a Christmas movie.

that’s right.  i’m a Christmas movie addict.  i’m not proud of it.  i guess it all started with Rudolph.  back in the days before dvds or even vcrs, you relied on TV GUIDE to tell you what shows were on and when.  a few weeks before Christmas my mother would read us the listings for all of the classic holiday favorites- Rudolph, Frosty, Charlie Brown; and we would nearly pee our jammies in anticipation.  Christmas movies were so precious and special because you got ONE and only ONE CHANCE to see them a year.  that’s pretty serious shit.  even after most families got cable, you still only had a limited amount of time to get your fix of stop/start animation filled with freaky jittery characters cavorting and singing terrible yet catchy tunes.  mmmmmm…..  Heatmiser, Snowmiser, the Burgermeister…  we grew up with them.  we hated them for trying to hold back Christmas, but we loved them for what they stood for.  they became a part of our traditions as much as overeating and our dad’s drunken capers.  we fired up as much of that Rankin-Bass goodness as we could in the short time we had.  we were hooked.   our hearts hurt when the credits rolled and you knew it would be an entire year before we would get another holiday high.  january left you empty.

the years moved on and Christmases came and went.  new movies were created and added to quiet our inner Grinches.  pretty soon, anyone in America with cable, a VCR and/or a DVD player could spend an entire afternoon speedballing everything from Emmet Otter’s Jugband Christmas to A Year WIthout a Santa Clause.  it became a part of our culture, of who we were; we became addicts.  it was nothing to mainline Frosty, Frosty’s Winter Wonderland and Frosty Returns in one bump.  you could even slam Rudolph and Frosty’s Christmas in July, you know, if you were into that kind of thing.

every year was the same, i would get blazed and overdose on these beloved holiday movies and then spend an entire year in withdrawal- jonesing for more festive frivolity.  from the Muppets to Kris Kringle, we needed more and more and more AND MORE doses of yuletide cheer.  eventually TBS did something never done before- they decided to run Christmas Story for twenty-four hours in a row and became the ultimate enabler for holiday movie junkies like myself.  many a Christmas i spent locked in my bedroom, for hours on end, fixing on the antics of Master Ralph Parker and his Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two Hundred Shot Range Model Air Rifle.

now here i am, forty years old, with a 19 year old son, and there are more holiday movies than ever, so i can blaze up hours of sweet, pure Christmas joy as soon as Thanksgiving is over.

my boyfriend said that i had a problem.  he said that it’s time to put the dvds away for the year.  but maybe i’m not the one with the problem, maybe HE’S the one with the problem.  its just a movie, is all.  so what that it’s been a month since Christmas?  i’m just going to spark up National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, just one more time.  who doesn’t love Aunt Bethany?  she’s hilarious!  so what if i had Muppets’ Christmas Carol on repeat four times in a row?  it doesn’t mean anything.   i’m not hurting anyone.  it takes the edge off, man.  i need it, i need it to relax.  just one more.    just one more.  i’m just going slip in Santa Clause is Coming to Town-

i don’t have a problem.  i can quit anytime i want.  DON’T YOU DARE JUDGE ME.  i chose this life, i don’t want your pity.

i need it.


on day 211 in the year 2014, i hope to have all of our credit cards paid off.  this is less of a dream and actually quite attainable as we have been using one of those credit counselingdebt programs for the last few years and are finally in the homestretch.  by july 30, i should also have my car paid off- WOO-FUCKIN-HOO!  so clearly, we’ll be doing monespend all the moneyy angels on the floor (think snow angels, but in giant piles of crisp twenty dollar bills)!  this will free up about $800-  *mind boggles*… i’m practically salivating thinking about all of that money!

we have been so behind on bills and so far in over our heads in debt for so long- there just still doesn’t even seem to be a light at the end of our impoverished tunnel, but it’s there.  we live paycheck to paycheck, day to day, on a budget of under $400 a month for groceries for a family of three and with ZERO frills in life.  we don’t go out to movies or out to restaurants,  we don’t have fancy cars and don’t have even cable.  hell, we use our neighbor’s internet connection for fucksake.  i can’t remember the last time i bought clothes or shoes and my bras have been reduced to basically some material attached to a string- the elasticity is all but gone.

easter candywe celebrated Thriftmas this year and didn’t spend a penny on anything other than Christmas dinner.  my boyfriend works overtime and i’m working on a second job.  i don’t know how we got so broke- but here we are.  the thought of $800 elevates my heart rate and i honestly get giddy!  i’m not looking at $800 a month for blowing on vacations or ridiculously unnecessary designer bags or clothes, but i WOULD like to buy some new underpants and i’d die of ecstasy to buy a new pair of jeans (i currently only have two pair and i alternate them every day- all week).  we aren’t going to go buy new phones or iPads or even ANY sort of technology, but it will be GLORIOUS to be able to buy MILK ANY TIME WE WANT.  oh.  it will be heaven.

we don’t have netflix or a dvr-thingy.   we borrow dvds from friends and get books from the library.  we play board games and make our own pizzas from scratch.  but these are things we enjoy, so that aspect of our lives won’t change.  but it will be SO AMAZING to say- “let’s go out to chinese” and just go.  it will be nice not to go into a panic when our brakes get squealy, or have a full blown panic attack when an appliance goes on the fritz.  OH MY FUCK! I CAN GET A HAIRCUT BY A PROFESSIONAL AGAIN INSTEAD OF TRIMMING THIS SHAG RUG ON MY HEAD MYSELF!  oh happy day!!!!

we are used to getting by on nothing.  and i mean NOTHING, and that’s ok, we’ve made it this far on nothing.  we don’t need MUCH.  we don’t need all the bells and whistles and frills like most people and have survived for a very long time with NOTHING.  when we FINALLY get SOMETHING, we aren’t going to change, we just won’t need to scrounge and scrimp and forego EVERYTHING.  we can have SOME THINGS.

bath salts

life will change.  it will be so much easier in 190 days.  and better.  and if not, hell, with $800 extra a month?  we’ll just fucking BUY a better life.

Time, Life and My Beautiful He

I let reality wake me this morning. with my head still on the pillow, crystallized white shimmers twinkled and flew by the window. warm face on a warmer pillow, i listened to the gentle resting breaths of the person beside me. so familiar was the face, so connected are our lives, so much in love with the human form next to me.

endlessly dripping toilet. the hum of the refrigerator. clicking heater. home sounds. tucking my feet under extra folds of crinkly cotton comforter, i listen to the scree-ing of branches scraping the frosted windows. outside winter was celebrating with another round of snow, ice and blasting shivering cold. i inhaled deeply, my nose not yet cleared from the dryness of a blowing furnace-warmed room, and placed a hand on the muscled flesh beside me. scattered freckles, dry, overworked hands, prickle stubbled face. bright white cotton tee shirt holding it all in, giving his shoulders, arm and back soft comfort.

my hair is constructed into its usual bun. my face is worn and weather beaten. dry. dry. everything is dry. parched lips, craving bubblegum or lemonade flavored lip balm. tired eyes. i am not the age of my body. too many pounds, muscles unused, neglectful habits, under appreciated flesh. overeager mind trapped in an ungainly, unworkable body. my eyes trying to answer the questions my brain seeks.

“why does he love me?”
“am i good enough?
“am i deserving?”
“how did i get so lucky?”

nine years. nine years of a combined life with this freckly person next to me. short hair, always short, the color of champagne after it has lost it’s bubble. lines of worry, denting his beautiful face, caused by money stress, job stress, responsibility stress, too-much-on-his-shoulders stress, it-has-to-get-better stress. i wonder if those weathered lines will disappear when the money worry is gone. will mother nature erase the damage? will she unfold the creases? will she show kindness on a weary face? does life apologize to those who have tried so hard to succeed? we never get the chance to go back, those that have suffered, those who wade through life’s shit; those among the others in the world that carve our paths through stone.

my mind goes through the TO DO list for today, turning pages as in a child’s flip book. and i glance over at him again, stealing just one more moment of his quiet beauty.