Conversation With Myself

it’s been awhile since i did a mental check up/life evaluation and i said i would make sure to take time to keep myself focused on myself during this whole transition thing- it’s overdue.

i’ve been so busy writing advocate pieces and throwing articles to different sites that i just haven’t even had a chance to braindump in a very long time.   i made and donated a few mosaic pieces to an art show at the GLCC- and succumbed to peer pressure to start an Etsy site.  now i need to do a logo and Pinterest that- and all of that social media hullaballoo for that.  my laptop had a wicked rotten virus, but, i actually fixed things myself- that NEVER happens!  i’m pretty excited about it!  we did a whole bunch of new (to us) things with the different GLBTQ groups, including a FASHION SWAP, trans partner support group and a lecture on HATE CRIMES.   i set up a Gofundme account for bf’s top surgery and have been working on a bunch of fundraisers for that.  Sonnyboy got a job- thank god- so that stress is FINALLY off my shoulders and i FINALLY feel like i can relax a tiny bit.  i’ve been filling out a lot of apps and going on stupid interviews with places that i don’t belong… it’s been horrible.  but through it all, i keep looking towards better days- credit cards gone, car paid off, vacation, breathing room……. *sigh*

i certainly haven’t gone to the gym enough and working out at home is usually ignored- but i’m working on that…. it just always seems the easiest thing to fall by the wayside, when meanwhile it should be the most important…  in fact i think i’m going to go crawl onto the couch and fall asleep.

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Parenting Fail

i’m an awful parent.  there i said it.  ok, maybe not worthy of a visit from Children’s Youth Services, but still, i’m shameful.  ok.  maybe not THAT bad, but my awesome parenting has slipped substantially within the past year.

(“maybe because your son is now nineteen?” a little voice inside my head asks.)

ok. so. there’s that.  but the fact that he’s an adult now shouldn’t affect how i parent. i always said i’d be that mom that never fed her kid canned spaghetti, and wouldn’t use nap time as a threat.  i always said i’d wrap his birthday present in NON-CHRISTMAS PAPER (as his birthday is december 30).  i always vowed to make sure his birthdays were super special- especially since mine sucked so hard throughout my adolescence and older years.

we were away for christmas and his birthday for my partner’s father’s funeral, so we had to put holidays on hold.  money was super extra tight this year so we tried to celebrate THRIFTSMAS.  today was supposed to be his birthday party.  and i had the best intentions in the world- a lot of handmade gifts, a homemade burnt almond torte (his favorite) and a multi course HOBBIT-inspired dinner.  but here i am, in my pajamas at 11 am and i haven’t done ANYTHING.  i wanted to make hobbit-y signs and have elaborate decorations.  i wanted to make meat pies and lembas bread.  but instead, it looks like it’s going to be cheese, cut up apples, broccoli cheese soup and EL FUDGE.  i suck.  i plan to make some loaves of bread and a quiche, but time is growing short and i still have yet to shower.  as far as decorations and presents?  i still haven’t taken down our amusing snowflakes, and it looks like i’ll be throwing The Fellowship of the Rings on the dvd player and calling it a day.  what a fail.  i know he’ll appreciate it just the same, but i am disappointed in myself.  it’s not even as if i had that much else going on in life.  i’ve just been in hibernation mode and feeling less like making monumental efforts like i used to.  (i once made him a Golden Snitch cake for an AMAZING Harry Potter birthday party.  and don’t even get me started about the amount of Star Wars parties i had- including the year i made a Jabba’s Palace cake COMPLETE WITH SARLAC PIT, thankyouverymuch.  #momisageektoo

but recently, i can’t get the motivation to do it, and it is sad.  sure, most kids grow up with few parties, the most epic being at Chuck E Cheese or something equally as lame, but i wanted it to be different for my son; better.  i wanted him to look back on all of the fun we had and never once doubt how much i loved him.  does he know that i love him?  of course.  he appreciates my efforts and attempts, failed though they may be sometimes, but he understands.  he’s a great kid young adult and i wish i could do so much more for him and that’s why the parties were always so important.  i’ve never been able to get him “nice” clothes or new electronic devices, or whatever all of the other kids have.  hell, i can’t even afford car insurance for him.  so, if nothing else, i always had time for cutting out decorations and making super awesome cakes.  but that hasn’t been the case for awhile now.

what breaks my heart further is that just last year, he came to me all melancholy because he was sad that he figured he was too “grown up” for all of the fun things i used to do; like spiderweb nachos and mummy dogs and make-your-own-holiday themed pizza nights.  i stopped doing those things because i thought he didn’t care about all of it; that i was just doing valentine boxes and coconut-fur Easter bunny cakes for my own shits and giggles.  turns out he appreciated that stuff more than i ever knew and really mourned their loss. to which i made up for by creating a totally spectacular halloween feast for him and his girlfriend this past year.

i figure i only can do what i can do and as long as i try, he’ll appreciate it, no matter how much i put into it.  for that, i know he’s a truly amazing kid.  thank god.  and not for nothing, but at least i know he’ll get a kick out of the EL FUDGE cookies and think it was intentional and not just a lame ass afterthought.  thank god.

Purple is a Fruit

purple drinkok. it’s about time to finally get some things off my chest.  here goes.

  1. about five years ago, before everyone and their pets and their grandma’s pets had a blog, i wanted to start one- beyond my livejournal account that I’ve had since you needed invitations for social media sites.  i started writing for examiner.com and did this whole blog about bisexuality.  it was pretty awesome.  i started thinking of other topics i could write about; pop culture and whatnot, and decided that i wanted to do a zombie blog.  it was going to be written from a survivor’s point of view, or sometimes the zombie.  it was going to be tongue-in-cheek, and pretty humorous.  not having a heckuva lot of confidence in my crazy ideas, i asked someone what they thought- and they said to me- “i dunno.  no one cares about zombies.  vampires are in.  you should do a blog about vampires”.  meanwhile, a quick search brought up a zillion vampire blogs (thanks edward and bella!) and what confidence i had about a zombie blog was abandoned.  boy. am i kicking myself now.
  2. as i just mentioned, i wrote for examiner.com and had a purple4pretty great blogabout bisexuality.  it was great to be able to explain myself, along with my opinions about the subject while explaining it to others.  i thought it was successful, despite being a slow starter, until more than a handful of people basically shot me right outof the sky.  so no more bisexuality blog for me.  just the other day i saw a post about bisexuality on thegoddamn, motherfucking huffington post- and let me tell you- the article was terrible.  a toddler without grasp of english could have written a better article.  eat a dick, man.  eat a straight up dick.
  3. purple2way back in my live journal-ing days, i used to post my pithy anecdotes and hilarious musings in list format.  my live journal friends/followers complained that the lists made my posts too blocky and fragmented; they said that there was no flow and that listing made my posts less formal.  the other day as i sat reading how to blog like the pros and whatnot, they stated how LISTS ARE ALL THE RAGE…. seriously?  like, i know i didn’t invent listing stuff in a blog, but for bananas in pajamas-sake….
  4. lastly- and worst-ly- almost ten years ago i realized that my slutty brain could produce some very interesting reading material.  i started writing down fantasies and no holds barred hard core sex stories.  i was very proud of my smut-rotica.  and then.  i let other people read it.  let’s just say, i stopped writing dirty stories after their reviews.  the main complaint was that people wouldn’t be able to handle stories about sex- even if they were eloquently written.  the scenarios were too graphic and the descriptions were “too sexual” as someone pointed out.  “society is not able to deal with sex stories in an everyday way.  they want vanilla sex and even want THAT hidden behind bedroom doors”.  that was how it was put to me.  and so i stopped writing them.  and what pops up years later?  everyone’s favorite and instant sex classic- Fifty Shades of whatnot. it was what american women were waiting for.  and they couldn’t get enough.  and now- even disney mass produces mainstream sex stories. great. i give up.purple3

it all makes me want to crawl into a hole—.  it’s hard to be creative and original and i have always had performance anxiety that i’ll look like i’m copying or biting on someone else’s style (as the kids say).  i know that ‘nothing is new’ and i’m not naive enough to think that i’m going to reinvent the writin’ wheel or even that i’m gonna have a post go viral wi

th a cookie cutter subject that 9,999 people have already blogged about.  the problem is that i was dumb enough to let people talk me out of it writing what i wanted, the way i wanted.  i let my lack of confidence in my writing hold me back from putting my words out there in the way i wanted to.

purpletiniit’s driving me to drink. ok. so i drink anyways.  it’s MAKING me need a fancy frou frou girly purply cocktail. ok.  so another one.  whatever. don’t you judge me. i’m upset.