i wait for him to finish his shower, steam escaping into our bedroom like tropical mist, reminding me how cold it is. i am calm and breathing deeply. i feel self conscious in my jammie pants and sweat shirt, maybe i should change into lingerie. the water stops and large droplets fall from the faucet, announcing the end of his shower. several steps and he is there. using the towel to ruffle dry his short chop of hair, he dresses, even though i plan to undress him several minutes later.
throwing the heavy comforter aside, he cozies in beside me. kiss of lips, kisses on neck, sucking of breath, escaped sighs, touches of tongue; the dance has begun. clothes disappear and damp flesh presses to flesh. from foreplay to hard and fast. loving long, greedy and hard. i cry out and melt. he collapses. we linger.
it’s amazing how quickly life can change in a week. i felt like i was on a good path, finally getting my shit together, enjoying the glimmer of a light at the end of the ol’ proverbial tunnel- and then this week? good hell. i feel like crying and throwing expensive things around the house.
my son’s girlfriend of 4 years broke up with him on sunday- out of nowhere- and he is devastated. i’m heartbroken for him, because she was his entire world. something is rotten in denmark- i don’t believe she acted on her own i’m sure her parents kind of forced this.
i also got news that someone i knew just had a heart attack and died out of nowhere, leaving his partner and everyone else in total shock. i just talked to him days before about wedding plans…. it’s so crazy.
there are a bunch of other messy little details in my life that seem to be unraveling when only days ago i was making a lot of forward progress…
the only constant is my partner. even at our eye-rolling-est snippiest prickly times he makes me smile. i look to putting a hand on his back as i am falling asleep. even though he works until 2 am, i can always text him; my lifeline to him.
i was feeling so insecure this weekend and almost effortlessly, he fixed my brain hurt. this is a new occurrence. he kissed away my self doubt and i love him all the more for it. our ten year anniversary is coming up next month and it’s amazing how much our relationship has evolved. i love him every second of every day and am thankful to have him as an anchor.
it’s been awhile since i did a mental check up/life evaluation and i said i would make sure to take time to keep myself focused on myself during this whole transition thing- it’s overdue.
i’ve been so busy writing advocate pieces and throwing articles to different sites that i just haven’t even had a chance to braindump in a very long time. i made and donated a few mosaic pieces to an art show at the GLCC- and succumbed to peer pressure to start an Etsy site. now i need to do a logo and Pinterest that- and all of that social media hullaballoo for that. my laptop had a wicked rotten virus, but, i actually fixed things myself- that NEVER happens! i’m pretty excited about it! we did a whole bunch of new (to us) things with the different GLBTQ groups, including a FASHION SWAP, trans partner support group and a lecture on HATE CRIMES. i set up a Gofundme account for bf’s top surgery and have been working on a bunch of fundraisers for that. Sonnyboy got a job- thank god- so that stress is FINALLY off my shoulders and i FINALLY feel like i can relax a tiny bit. i’ve been filling out a lot of apps and going on stupid interviews with places that i don’t belong… it’s been horrible. but through it all, i keep looking towards better days- credit cards gone, car paid off, vacation, breathing room……. *sigh*
i certainly haven’t gone to the gym enough and working out at home is usually ignored- but i’m working on that…. it just always seems the easiest thing to fall by the wayside, when meanwhile it should be the most important… in fact i think i’m going to go crawl onto the couch and fall asleep.
i always dreamed about living in a neighborhood with block parties, and pitchers of shared lemonade on the porch. days of washing cars and warms summer nights filled with sparklers and barbecues. now? i’m just thrilled when i can walk out to turn my car on in the morning and not find nails in my tire or eggs on my windshield. i unfortunately have douchebag neighbors. like the worst kind too- non stop barking outdoor dog, parking space hogging, 400 noisy ill-mannered kids, constant obnoxious visitors…. the 2 bedroom duplex next door to me contains at least a dozen people, at any any given time. and did i mention the barking dog?
there’s no sense complaining, but all i will say, is that if i had a taser- i won’t finish that sentence. every night before bed, i get down on my knees and pray to all of the prayable gods and goddesses that they will just disappear overnight. POOF! gone! just like when the last bunch of crappyawful neighbors got evicted NOT for selling drugs out of the apartment, or because they had TWO GI-NORMOUS pit bulls that clearly were rescued from dogfighting rings (NOT IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD, for the record)- but because they were behind on their rent. good thing the landlord has his priorities straight.
i can dream about clam bakes and street long yard sales but intstead i have constant screeching, barking and obviously unsupervised teenager parties. it aint no Cleavers or Bradys up in here on Oakley Avenue, that’s for sure.
i’m not sure if it’s the three cups of coffee or just a week’s worth of pent up guilt, but i’m twitchy enough to get my ass in gear and start crossing stuff off of THE GI-NORMOUS TO DO LIST OF DOOM… i’d like to thank my friends for peer pressuring me into starting six more projects and this cold February weather for my incredibly flaky DEFCON TWO-level itchy dry skin.
i’m giving myself ONE WEEK to finish everything on the aforementioned GI-NORMOUS TO DO LIST. one. ONE. that’s it. JUST ONE GODDAMN WEEK. i can’t take it anymore. it’s me or THE DAMNED LIST. if i don’t finish it all, you have my permission make that, THE OBLIGATION to pitch me off of the front of a boat, Jack-from-the-Titanic-style…. just chuck me right off. i’m not even joking. i don’t even care if i’m on fire and running from a pack of rabid, poorly dressed drag queens, if by next Monday the 24, i don’t have every single thing on my list done- it is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY, dear reader, to throw me the fuck off a boat…(or cliff, whichever is more convenient for you.)
i absolutely love words. letters and words. not so much sentences, but letters and words excite me. i would suppose that’s why i write in fragments so often. i feel like words convey as much as a sentence can, and there doesn’t always need to be a filler like “the” or even nitpicky punctuation. words fill your mind with ideas, and usually people skim enough that they don’t need grammar and all of its trappings. sure, there’s a time when a perfectly formed sentence can really add to the fluff and polish, but then again, sometimes…. just a word can do just as much….
LOVE. KISS. SEX. WARM. just those words on their own can definitely make a statement. and who doesn’t love some well placed words?